"Great Romances Of The 20th Century" 2011-02-09 - 4:14 a.m.

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I saw two girls that looked like S____ today;

I even bumped into one of her fiance's friends at a restaurant tonight

I didn't say anything, and if he recognized me; he didn't say anything either

I'd almost say the universe was trying to tell me something...

it's probably just trying to get me drunk

again

honestly the thing that gets me the most about S____, is that I don't care anymore

it's such a knee-jerk reaction, that leads me to nothing

I saw those girls, and for half a second I was on fire;

but that other half of the second, I realized it was empty

I just don't care anymore

she was just another person who came in and out of my life

if I saw her again,

which I think about way too much; even though I try to stop myself;

I don't care enough to be a dick to her

and I don't care enough to try and mend things

she doesn't mean anything to me anymore

the only meaning she has in my life

is that I miss being in love

I don't miss her, I just miss that feeling

being in love is indescribable

air tastes better

you feel like life is worth living, like you can do so much more

I want that feeling again

S____ has nothing to do with it

I don't think she could make me feel like that again

but until I find a new girl to be in love with,

she'll be the face of that

which sucks

but more importantly;

my last real girlfriend was in high school

it wasn't the best relationship;

but that was the last holding hands, making out, Official, girlfriend that I've had

Goddamn near ten years ago

and she was the only one, really

before and after, it's always been these weird "almost" relationships

these pseudo-romances

I loved her, and she cared about me; sometimes even loved me

but we were never Together

I got all the bad shit of a relationship, all the drama

but not the holding hands and kissing and stuff

and S____ is the most recent example of that

I never want that again

and it will happen again

I'm too nice

I'm a great guy, and once you get past my shyness, I'm fucking fun to be around

but I'm just too nice

where other guys will go in for the kiss

where they'll push for more,

I'll make a joke and smile, and let it go

I don't want to make you uncomfortable

I don't want to push you into something you don't want

but of course, I never get anything that way

so it will happen again

it's my lot in life

but I really hope, that she will be the last

that I can be more of a scoundrel

that I will go in for the kiss next time

and if it ruins a friendship

fuck it,

like being her friend until the drama gets too bad is any better

this whole smart and safe and nice thing is getting me nowhere

and I've addressed the whole "women like assholes" thing before

and I don't want to compromise my ideals

I don't want to be an asshole

but it seems like you end up an asshole either way

I mean, I try so hard,

to be the man I want to be

to live up to my ideal

and...

it gets me nothing

and let's play the game

I'm religious

I believe that, in the end, it matters

I believe there is Something more than us judging our actions

but honestly, it doesn't matter

if we're just dirt in the ground

if we all end up a big ol' pile of them bones

the most important thing to me is:

I can say I did it My Way

but My Way is getting me nowhere

and I dream

every day

of a woman who will see that

of a strong, self-confident woman; who will take charge

who will understand how I am, and will make the first move

but the fact is...

if she's out there I haven't met her

and I keep the faith, that I will meet her

because I have to

because to do any differently, would be to compromise my ideals

and the alternative, to end up alone, to be The Friend, forever;

is a small price to pay

I can handle loneliness

being an asshole

a Real asshole

not the kind of asshole I paint myself as

that would be worse

for me

and if that is worse

if I'm being stupid

and obstinate

and if I get to Heaven, or whatever's out there,

and they tell me:

"Jesus man, what the fuck were you doing?"

I will always be able to say:

"I did it my way."

sadly the best quote I can come up with is The Fray

decent band, I could probably do better with some time

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

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