"Cable Car" 2011-01-10 - 2:12 a.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

So, I still think about S____ a lot.

I mean, she meant a lot to me; and she hurt me really bad.

Many times.

I guess you couldn't really blame me, all things considered.

Especially if you're reading this.

I mean, more than half of my entries in the past year have been about her.

Directly or indirectly.

But...

I don't know, maybe I'm rationalizing.

What I tell myself is that it's not really about her.

Maybe it's true, maybe it's rationalizing;

but the truth is I can live without her.

She was not for me, there's no real argument there.

I never found her particularly attractive; it was all her personality,

and she's way too domestic for me.

And plus she's really not "cool" enough for me, to be honest.

Although whether that particular definition of "cool" is something you should aspire to be is up for debate.

But no;

the thing I think about most is that she's just the latest in a long line.

S____ I could do without.

Obviously she's out of my life now, and I'm still alive;

so there goes the whole "can't live without her" thing.

Would she have changed me for the better? Who knows?

But she's like the fifth or sixth chick to do this to me.

Where I had all the downside, drama shit of a relationship; without the good stuff.

And I mean, it's been pissing me off ever since;

that this keeps happening to me.

I mean, what does this mean about women? About people in general? About me?

It's been basically driving me crazy.

But the other side, the optimistic side, of that is:

I've always aimed high when it comes to relationships.

If I can't see a glowing upside, I don't bother.

I mean, amongst other issues, but...

...but the thing is, I keep getting the downside without even trying.

I might as well try for the upside right?

If I'm not going to marry this chick, and it's going to end badly; I might as well date her for a bit and bang her a couple of times and spend a few nights looking into her eyes thinking I love her.

Because even if we're just friends she's going to turn just as psycho and fuck me over and hurt me just as bad as if we were dating.

I mean, I withdraw so far; and protect myself so much to keep from being hurt, but I'm getting hurt anyway.

All I'm losing is that temporary upside.

I don't know, it comes down to what I've been saying all along:

is it admitting you're wrong, and changing for the better;

or is it betraying your principles and compromising?

I do not know.

And there is no one to teach me or help me.

I didn't realize life would be this hard, but it's not like I got a choice in the matter.

I'm so sick of it, and I want that movie ending of the girl redeeming the hardened; bitter guy,

but it won't happen.

Because this is real life.

In real life, guys like me die alone.

No girl wants to be with them; and their friends abandon them when they have kids and get responsible; and the loner doesn't.

My friends tell me all the time that I'm a great guy, that they want to hang around with me, that I'm good looking; etc.

And I just wonder why in the end I'm always so alone.

It's me, and I can't fix it.

You're better off without me.

�

�