"Hysterical" 2010-11-16 - 4:44 a.m.

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What the hell happened to me, man?

I used to be so happy.

And now it's just there.

No matter what I do, where I go, what persona I play.

I get so excited about writing, about music, about what the fuck ever.

And it's just waiting there for me, when I get home.

In my bed. In the shadows. Behind my eyelids.

Reference to Tool's "Sober" and etc.

I mean, I'm not really, physically addicted to alcohol; just mentally.

It's a placebo.

Whatever.

Not the point.

I mean, does everyone deal with this?

Not the fear, but the knowledge, that you will destroy everything you love; you will hurt everyone you care about; you will never accomplish anything.

You are the problem.

It's self-fulfilling really. I know that.

Doesn't mean I can fix it.

It's self-destructive behavior, all of it.

The cigarettes, the booze; the misanthropy.

the lack of interest in the things I used to have passion for.

There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

Every time I check myself, and get myself "on track" and start to think I can make stuff happen, it doesn't.

I wind up in the same shit position I've been in since high school.

At least now hurting myself is so passive.

No one can help me.

I don't want your fucking commentary, I don't even want your sympathy.

You assholes suck at it, by the way.

Shit, I can think of a million things I could say to someone in my position.

Everyone I know, same answer: "Quit being a bitch."

Thanks guys, that means a lot.

That almost hurts worse than the actual pain.

I mean, I don't want this, but I want you.

I want you guys in my life.

Maybe I am being a bitch, who cares?

Is that really the best you can offer me?

And so let's say maybe I'm a bitch in every aspect.

You're supposed to give no quarter to those who fall behind.

You're not supposed to help the hurting.

"Quit being a bitch."

Is the universal response to the weak of the herd.

Just goes to show I don't Goddamn belong here.

I get so angry that I don't get the support from my friends I think I need,

that I don't get the romantic involvement from women;

what scares me more is I'm not sure I want it.

I'm not sure I want to be the same fucking species.

At least it still scares me, I guess.

Years later, when I start killing prostitutes, they'll read this aloud in court.

"lol"

and it's heinous

Sweet Dreams

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