"Janitor" 2010-08-06 - 4:32 a.m.

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I realized something tonight.

If I felt anyone cared about me, even a little;

if I had someone I cared about.

I'd stop drinking and smoking tonight.

I seem like kind of an alcoholic sometimes, and I'm self-destructive and self-loathing.

But if I had someone I cared about, that I loved; and they loved me.

I'd stop it all.

I want to so bad.

I mean, I know I'll always be fucked up.

I'm never going to be ok just because someone "loves me".

But I wouldn't drink alone anymore.

I wouldn't smoke as much.

If I found that love everyone keeps hoping for, that everyone keeps telling me is real; that everyone but me seems to find.

It would change so much.

Who cares anyway?

"I've been lonely around here. A few times."

no one knows my name

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