"running up that hill" 2010-06-24 - 11:32 p.m.

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It's official, she's marrying him.

I can't tell if it just hasn't hit yet or if I'm actually taking it well.

Seeing as how I'm posting here, sober, I somehow doubt it.

And right when I decided to cut back on my drinking; and have a shit ton of stuff to do tomorrow.

The truth is I'm not really that upset about "losing her" or whatever.

I mean, I knew I would never be with her. I know myself, and I know that if she and K______ ever broke up, and that if we ever did get together; I'd find some way to ruin it.

I'm upset that I've been pining away for her like some fucking lovelorn stooge when it was never meant to be.

I'm upset that when I find someone who's interested in me all I can think of is "what if I meet someone else who's better for me?" But then when I become interested in someone who's not interested in me, all I can think of is them.

And in truth I'm upset I have to lay this particular fantasy to bed. We'll only ever be friends; I can no longer hold out hope that we'll ever be together.

Because I'm not going to stand up at her wedding when they say "if anyone has any reason..." etc; she's not going to have some last minute realization. And once they're married, that's it. Even if they get divorced later. I've been to that party before, the situation is disturbingly parallel, and it doesn't end happy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a fucking wreck, but it's for different reasons than I expected; and honestly it's not as bad as I feared it would be. At this point it's more just resignation.

You saw the adorable little lemming walking towards that cliff hours ago, and there was nothing you could do about it. Still hurts when it leaps to its adorable little death.

I'm just sick of being this asshole all the time. I'm sick of being this guy. I need to either step up and start relationships as often as I can whether they look like they're going to work or not, like everyone else; or I need to get really ok with being alone.

Despite all indicators to the contrary I am no longer in high school, and I need to adjust my behavior accordingly.

Fuck me, this still really hurts.

so this is permanence?

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