"Dramarama" 2010-03-25 - 2:34 a.m.

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She says she's "got a lot going on" and she'll tell me about it next time she sees me.

This probably means nothing.

That's what you say to people you haven't seen in a while to seem like you're not ignoring them.

But in my warped perception of the world; I began to wonder what she could have going on, and the question arose: "what if she's marrying him?" What if the "lot" she has going on are preparations for marriage?

This fills me with a wholly irrational dread that makes me want to just start screaming.

And there's no reason for it. None at all.

I've already accepted the fact that in all likelihood I will never have a relationship with her.

And I, more than anyone else, should know that marriage isn't the end of your chances with someone.

However the very thought of it;

of this paranoid delusion I've cooked up from absolutely no basis;

sends me to the border of a panic attack.

I mean, I guess the truth is I've managed to accept the circumstances for now; but deep down I have to admit I'm still holding out hope.

That once their relationship dies down, then maybe I can get a chance.

But if they're getting married...

But there's no reason to think they're getting married. They're probably not getting married. And even if they are, I know how to celebrate a divorce, if you know what I'm saying.

And even if they aren't getting married, I probably don't have any chance with her anyway.

So why the hell do I have this inky black dread just sitting in my chest?

Am I that desperate for something to tear myself up over?

And more to the point: Why can't I just function like a normal Goddamn human being and seek a normal relationship instead of pining over someone who's taken and probably not interested in me anyway?

Ugh.

I'm going to go bang my head against the wall until the thoughts stop.

my mind secedes

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