"Special Needs" 2009-11-04 - 3:12 a.m.

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So yeah, not drunk tonight, just needed someone to talk to.

The plan is to get drunk tomorrow night, so I'll probably be back then too.

I've been feeling depressed and lonely and kind of cheated about women again. I think the little bit of indecision and angst over S____ distracted me for a little bit.

But while at a party I kind of hinted (to someone else of course) that I might like her, and I guess saying it out loud made me realize how stupid it is or something; because I'm over it now. We're never going to be together, and I'm fine with that.

But now that I'm over her, I'm back to thinking about general loneliness again.

And I wish I could say I don't know why I'm alone, but the truth is I know exactly why:

My life is constructed in such a way that I simply do not meet new people.

I mean, I guess "new people" come into the store all day every day, but I wouldn't know how to spin a two-minute monetary transaction into flirtation and possibly more.

Which kind of brings us to the other salient point: I have absolutely vicious self esteem issues, no experience at successfully talking to girls; and a long history of rejection.

It makes the prospect of flirting about as appealing as unarmed combat with some kind of monster.

And then there's the fact that even though I'm very witty, very charming, and very funny. I don't become any of those things until I've known you for a while. I'm painfully shy until then. But by the time I get to know someone well enough to open up and charm them, I'm in the "friend zone" which is pretty much inescapable.

Which leaves me pretty much screwed.

And on the other hand, that's probably for the best. I mean, I'm broke, living with my parents, and not really doing anything with my life. And while I have (somewhat) decent reasons for each of those, or more accurately one big reason; it's not much to really offer a girl. Being in a relationship right now wouldn't really help me, it might even complicate my life. Whereas whatever poor girl did end up dating me would probably be dragged down by my stupid bullshit.

But that doesn't mean I don't want it. As stated: I'm severely lonely, and I'm starting to feel like some kind of freak for being alone so long and being so inexperienced.

And who knows? Maybe having a pretty girl around to tell me how handsome and good I am might really help me. It might be what I need to finally snap out of my funk and start doing shit with my life again.

I mean, I've been getting drunk and bitching about what a horrible, worthless person I am to anyone that'll listen for a couple years now. And after years of "stop being a bitch" as a response, all it took was one person to say: "no, you're not worthless, you're a good person" and it made a world of difference. My confidence easily doubled. From one person telling me I'm a good person one time. How sad is that?

So I don't know.

The way I see it I essentially have three options on the matter:

I can somehow overcome every single one of my issues, from intimacy and commitment issues to poor self-image and lack of confidence, all at once; suddenly become a social person who likes meeting people; go out and start doing shit where I would actually meet new people; and figure out how to sweet talk girls; all at once, single-handedly.

I mean, I have no one to teach me, no one to help me along; no one to even talk to. I mean fuck, no one's actually reading this.

Once again I find myself stuck in a situation where the deck has been stacked against me mostly by myself, through my own decisions; with no one but myself to rely on or dig myself out. And I need to motivate myself to do it and get it done soon.

So that sucks.

Option two is that I somehow meet a woman who will take the aggressive role, and see through my bullshit like in so many movies and kind of sweep me off my feet.

The odds of that happening are slim enough anyway, but the reality is that even if I were to meet an aggressive chick who didn't mind taking the lead. All girls need the guy to take charge in the end.

I'm sure any feminist will tell you otherwise, but the truth is a woman will never respect a man unless she knows he can take charge and protect her. No matter how tough or independent they are, deep down all women want to be the damsel in distress; with their hero coming to save them.

Lesbians being the exception.

So that's out.

The final option is to simply resign myself to being alone and give up on women altogether.

I know I bitch and whine and drag my feet a lot; but I'm really quite incapable of giving up. I can't do it. No matter how hopeless or superfluous something is, I simply can not give up on it.

The fact that I really like women just bolsters that trait all the more.

So you know: I answer my own question. And nothing is really solved. I just wanted to "say this out loud" or "write it down" or whatever; even though no one will read this except me anyway.

It comes back to the same story as everything in my life: I've fucked myself over for years, now I have to fix it all myself.

It sucks but I'm used to it. It'll probably take me years and I won't quite get it right and after a few more years I'll relapse; but you know, what else am I gonna do?

I just wish I didn't have to do it all myself. I'm used to that too, and there's a perverse kind of pride to it, but I'm getting so tired.

And ending my isolation is kind of the point, isn't it?

the bartender said it's ok