"Beat Your Heart Out" 2009-10-15 - 3:10 a.m.

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I'm trying really hard to be more positive, and not so down on myself all the time. Shit, what was it, two nights ago I posted here last? Shows how that's working.

But here's one more for you: I always want what I can't have. Particularly when it comes to people.

I had a dream last night, it came out of my subconscious mind, I had nothing to do with it.

I was among this group that was re-enacting the last battle of Lord Of The Rings. Dont' ask me where the fuck that came from, I don't even like those movies; or even books really. The Hobbit is the shit, but LotR I could do without.

Regardless, it was a group of a couple thousand people, I mean this was large scale. We did pretend-battle on this mountain, it was supposed to be as epic as the battle was.

But this chick from my real life was there. And she was with this guy I didn't really like. It's a scenario that's been played out in a ton of movies, the easiest example I can think of is the South Park movie. Wendy's with that one really political-minded guy, you know? And the whole dream I was talking shit about that guy the whole time.

And that doesn't matter, except in how it echoes real life.

I just thought it was important in that this wasn't me. I didn't make this up, my subconscious mind did this, it was out of my control.

But the real life situation is eerily similar.

There's this chick (the chick that was in my dream, obviously) that I work with, and she's super-fucking cool. She's not really my type physically. She's not unattractive, but not what I'm looking for. And I know what she does to guys she's in a relationship with, I'm not looking to date her.

Except for the fact that as time goes on, I'm finding myself more and more smitten with her. For lack of a better term.

And she's with this guy now that she obviously isn't super into. Shit, it took her a long time to get with him, and even after she did she's kinda like "well, you know". And she doesn't hesitate to talk shit about him.

And I mean, I know I'm charming. And I know she's kinda feelin' me already. If I really wanted to I could "steal her away" from this guy. But I'm not that much of a prick.

And really, that's not even the point.

The point is: If she were all over me, ready to start a relationship, I probably wouldn't be.

But since she's unavailable-

A) because she's in a relationship B) because I work with her and C) because we're friends, and I don't want to fuck that up by starting a relationship. Because believe me, I can fuck up a relationship.

-I can't stop thinking about her. And is it because she's unavailable? Or is it because I'm so pathetic that since I told myself not to fall for her I have to fall for her in order to torture myself?

Or do I genuinely have feelings for this girl? At this point, I can't even fucking tell.

I don't even know the difference.

I'm trying really hard to put it out of my head and just be normal for a Goddamn change and just be her friend. But you know me, the less I want to think about something the more I do.

And that dream last night didn't help.

So any advice internet? Any advice no one who's reading?

Honestly I think I'd be normal if it weren't for all the restrictions I put on myself. If I just went with my knee-jerk reactions, as fucked up as they are; I'd be indistinguishable from anyone else. What makes me weird and different are my attempts to censor myself in the hopes of doing the right thing.

I've been too honest with myself I should've...

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