"Rain When I Die" 2009-08-23 - 4:39 a.m.

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Congratulations if you're still reading this. I owe you a cookie.

But I can't post this shit in my myspace anymore, because normal people read that.

I've realized I have a complex relationship with myself.

I love myself. Because I'm the only one who can. My parents don't; and if they don't, then who else could? And I believe that if anyone else were put into my situation; Dark City style: With the same psychological issues and the same situation. No one else could handle it as well as I have.

But at the same time: my "situation" is absolutely sub-par by normal human standards. Everyone else has something similar or worse, and they're all doing better.

So really, I'm a fuck up in every sense of the word. If my Dad could go back in time to the night I was conceived, he'd wear a condom.

So even though I believe in myself, I don't expect anyone else to. And really, I've got that particular complex going. You know that complex: I love me; but if you love me you're stupid. If you actually care about me, then something's wrong with you.

I couldn't ask anyone to give a shit about me but me, so if you do it's your failing. And I apologize.

Specifically: I'm sorry Laura, I know you're the only one reading this, if anyone is.

But that's the real trick right: If I could start again, a million miles away; I would keep myself. I would find a way.

But I'll never respect anyone else who loves me.

Yay for self esteem.

sweet dreams

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