"Cats In A Bowl" 2005-04-17 - 7:43 a.m.

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I can't believe I didn't get one word of sympathy or advice for my last entry. Not that I write in my diary for that; but it makes me feel bad one nobody's even like "aww" after I write a depressed entry. And I definitely don't want any now just because I said this. It will only infuriate me more.

So yeah, on to the entry proper. I had an interesting day today; but yesterday was more interesting, so we'll start there:

So, I woke up late, as usual. Rushed to get dressed, shaved, et cetera, so I could get to drag training on time. Picked up Chris on the way and we went down to Eon. Once there he proceeded to apply an astonishing amount of makeup to my face. Like, I guess I knew it would take a lot of makeup to make a guy look like a girl; but it actually took effort to hold up my head by the time he was done.

So the makeup was actually all we really did as far as "drag training"; but it took forever. Like, hours. Just to apply it and take it off like, ten minutes later. Of course it didn't help that Chris forgot his makeup remover, so we were in the bathroom scrubbing it off with moist towelettes.

But I have to admit it did make me look convincingly like a girl, which was fun. I was waiting to get into the bathroom to take it off; and this guy went in, and while he was in there this other guy got in line and I was like: "go ahead, I need to take this shit off and it could take a while" and as I said it, the other guy walked out, heard my deep-ass voice and said: "you're a guy!?" all disbelieving. So I guess that's a complement.

But I only looked like a girl from the neck up. Like, I put on the dress I'm planning to wear, and my bra, and we padded it and everything; ...but I never look more masculine than when I'm wearing a dress. Like, in jeans I just look skinny and kinda defined; but in a dress I look like fucking Brad Pitt in Fight Club. I look so ripped, it's hilarious. I don't look convincing at all from the neck down. All broad shoulders and pectorals.

Anyway, as I mentioned, there was this guy there. And... I didn't even find him particularly attractive, but he started coming on to me really strong. Like, really really strong. Like, he would just come up to me and start rubbing my back. And.. my hormones are far too raging for that. Like, I would go so far as to call them vengeful; looting and pillaging even. Like, all it takes is someone to start in on me and I can't control myself.

So when I was in the bathroom trying to get the makeup off, he came in, and we started making out. Some groping took place, but I didn't let it get too far. His breath smelled like shit though. Literally. I was kissing him thinking "I hope my breath doesn't smell like that". He asked for my number and I gave him my old cell phone number. So that way if I changed my mind I could just tell him I made a mistake; but I won't be changing my mind.

So yeah, then Chris came in and helped me get the makeup off by severely punishing my face with moist towelettes. To be honest he actually walked in on me and that guy[his name was Floyd, I'm not that much of a whore], we stopped and pulled apart like teenagers; and I don't really think Chris saw anything because he didn't say anything. But I think he might have and was scrubbing me extra hard as payback.

After that we went walking around downtown for a while, which was nice. Gabby was downtown with her friends so we went and got something to eat with them, which was fun. Chris really clicked with them, and much fun was had by all. I took the key to the practice room from Gabby and took Chris there to show him where we practice.

After the rather uneventful showing["umm, this is it I guess..."] we went into the other room, and he said: "would you mind if I started making out with you?" which still kinda makes me giggle. I confessed I'd been waiting for him to try something, and we got to it. It got surprisingly heavy. Remember how I said I'd go further than I'd like to admit on the first date? I wasn't kidding. So yeah, things got going, and he started undoing my pants; and I almost told him to stop, but I figured "shit, you only live once; I could die in a car accident tomorrow" and just let him do it.

but... nothing happened. I wasn't even at half-mast now that I think about it. Like, I should've had more of a reaction just from sensation alone. I don't know what the hell happened. But more introspection and analysis later. We're still in the shallow, "account of the day" portion of the entry.

So yeah, the rest of our makeout session I was distracted by thoughts of "why isn't anything happening?" but Chris seemed to enjoy it.

And I've been wondering: this means I'm no longer a virgin, right? I mean, we had intercourse; even though it was just oral and I didn't cum, it still counts as intercourse; so that makes me no longer a virgin, right? I don't know.

afterwords I took him home, played some videogames and went to work; then to bed.

Today I was rudely awakened by my parents. I don't think I've said anything, but we're actually moving. We're going someplace disgustingly far north.

[for Robyn, my only reader who lives in Tucson: up by Tangerine, past your house even!]

So yeah, they moved their stuff out today, and I had to help them move. I got woken up by angry shouting and had to throw clothes on and help move heavy things first thing in the morning. That sucked. After that there wan't much time for anything else.

I played some videogames then went down to the practice room since I still had the key; but I stopped at Zia on the way. I meant to pick up Transformer by Lou Reed; but it was literally $2 out of my price range. In the words of the immortal Rick James: "aint that a b?". So yeah, but I did find that they had the Dinosaur Jr reissues; so I picked up their first, self-titled album. It always surprises me how different Dinosaur sounded with Lou Barlow than they did after he left. But they still sounded fucking awesome, I don't regret blowing the last of my money on it at all.

So after that I went to the practice room and wrote a song about how I couldn't feel anything for Chris. I called it Morphine.

Then I came home for a bit and had an awesomely shitty day at work. We had these special, Safeway promo bags that had a recipe book somehow attached inside them. The papers didn't really fit inside and they were inferior quality; so a lot of people got scattered papers this morning because the fucking bags exploded. Damnit. I also missed a new house and had to go back and get it at the end; which was the last thing I wanted to do.

But yeah. I don't know. Today gave me a lot of time to think. And think I did. I'm not sure if I came up with any answers, but I did a lot of thinking. It helped me realize some things about myself. Like, I somehow became infatuated with homosexuality. Like, the whole David Bowie, glam, bisexual rock star thing. And I got into the mindset that it was cool to be gay. So gay became something I wanted to be, and that clouded my judgement.

I realized it when I thought that I might be straight, and my knee-jerk, automatic response to that was: "no, I want to be gay!".

but you don't get to choose that; and for all the time I spent trying to make sure I was thinking objectively and without preference, I was lying to myself. I decided I was gay, and that wasn't my choice to make.

So where does that leave me? I'm not sure. After doing some thinking that I really hope is objective this time; I guess I have to admit that I do like girls. Ever since I declared myself gay I still found myself thinking about girls, but I repressed it and passed it off as "just what I was used to thinking when I thought I was straight"; because I wanted to be gay.

But that's bullshit. And it's time for me to stop being an idiot and realize I like girls. Vaginas are pretty gross, but everything else about girls is sexy; and I have to admit that girls do it for me. So yeah, there's that.

So what about guys? I'm not sure yet. The fact that I couldn't get it up for a guy even when he was sucking my dick is pretty strong evidence towards not liking guys. But... like I said, I should've had a bigger reaction just from the sensations alone. There's other reasons for not having a reaction. Nerves, or I might actually have erectile disfunction. It wouldn't be the first part of my body not to work properly.

So I don't know. I still have feelings for Chris; and I'm still attracted to guys. Or at least I think I am. The prospect that I'm still lying to myself in order to be Mr. Bi-Sexual Glam Rocker like I wanted to be is very real; and very possible; and not to be dismissed. So in all honesty, I don't have an answer tonight.

The best I can do is: I'm bi, if that.

I owe it to myself and more importantly, to Chris; to keep trying though. Whether or not I'm attracted to him, I really like him; and I don't want to hurt him. So I don't want to just dump him cold. But at the same time, I don't want to keep leading him on. So in the very near future[asap], I'm going to sit him down and have a talk with him; tell him everything, and see what he thinks.

And I guess I'll have more news as it develops.

On a side note: my drag performance. I don't know. If it turns out I'm bi, I'll go through with it. If it turns out I'm straight, I won't. It's not like straight people aren't allowed to do drag, and they would disallow me to or anything; but I wouldn't feel right. So I guess that's up in the air until I talk to Chris and figure myself out.

So yeah, that's it. If you're still reading thanks, and I apologize. I'm sure that was annoying and whiny.

Adios Amigos <3

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