"Thursday" 2005-02-06 - 3:51 a.m.

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so I guess I didn't waste the whole week

it was kinda like saying: "I'm not going to waste this week" and then going to bed on sunday

then waking up on thursday

thursday was the day I finally started waking up earlier and doing stuff

the only place I've actually applied so far[and one of the few places actually hiring] was Borders

the good news is: Gabe from Versus The Mirror works there

and while I don't really know Gabe and haven't really talked to him

I do know Kevin, and that's good enough

speaking of Kevin

I went in on Thursday and he wasn't there; but Davey was, so I got his number off of him

finally gave him a call today; left him a message because he was at work

and he actually called me back on his break!

I can't get Stephanie to call me back at all when she doesn't answer

Kevin called me back later that day

if there was any doubt in my mind about him being my friend, it's gone

so that felt really good

and speaking of Stephanie

I went to another one of her drag shows tonight

I went to pick up Robyn, but 2/3 of the way there, she felt too sick and I had to take her home

which isn't her fault at all

but the sad part is that the [around an]hour I spent driving her around was probably the most fun I had all night

I got there late, watched the performances

and then afterwords...

said "hi" to a few people

and then we went to IHOP

and... I don't know why I even went

there were 14 people there

and maybe 5 of them I knew

and of those 5, only about 2 are people I talk to

those 2 sat far from me, and talked to everybody else there

I ordered a coffee, and ended up leaving before it got there

because I was just sitting there, not talking to anyone and just feeling like shit about it

why fucking bother?

if feeling alone in a crowd is the stinging pain of loneliness; then feeling alone in a crowd of friends is the stomach flu of loneliness

why subject myself to that?

I just fucking left

as I was leaving Stephanie invited me to go see our friend Carlos' band on Valentine's Day with her

I probably will

but it just reminds me of my band's song Thursday

[which I wrote about Stephanie over a year ago, actually]

we're not really friends anymore, but we'll keep acting like we are because...

like the ghost of a friendship

one that doesn't realize it's dead yet

I kinda like that, actually

I talked to Chris for maybe a minute tonight

which was more than I talked to Stephanie the whole time I was there

tomorrow I'm going to e-mail Chris and try and start something with him again

I don't know

hopefully tomorrow Ruben will have found a drummer for us to meet with

we'll see

Sweet Dreams

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