"Beat Your Heart Out" 2004-12-07 - 3:24 a.m.

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today was a little disgusting

I woke up super late

like, 3 or so

and just pretty much stayed in my pajamas all day

I put on jeans and a shirt, but I didn't shower
[it's probably coming close to a week now]
or shave, or brush my teeth, or put my contacts in

I hate days like this, but they're getting more and more frequent

I didn't go apply at Pima like I intended

but I did call Dave at Honeybaked Ham, so that's something

I don't know

yesterday my mom told me that the University Medical Center is doing a study on depression

and that they're offering free therapy and treatment

she told me to call, and even wrote the number down for me

I'm not going to call

my problems are my problems, and no one else can help me with them; even if I were to let them try

that's just the way I see things

if she brings it up again, I'm going to tell her to call

the other day I found out she's been seeing a therapist

which isn't that surprising, really

for a long time, scientists have argued whether nature or nurture makes you who you are

your genes or your environment

when it comes to depression I got the worst of both worlds

a family history of mild mental illness on my mother's side

and an unintentionally emotionally abusive father

I don't know

I actually haven't been that depressed lately, anyway

I've got a good job, even though it has shitty hours

I've got friends, even though I only see them on rare occasions

I'm in a band, even though I hate it

theoretically I'm going to be starting school for the spring semester, though whether or not that's a good idea is still up for debate

I don't have a significant other right now; but I think that's for the best

it's lonely but it's simple; and I need to get a few things figured out[including whether I want a boyfriend or a girlfriend] before I go looking for 'somebody to love'

and my financial situation... that pretty much sucks

but right now that's the only thing, so really I'm doing pretty good

even though typing this all out is sorta making me depressed

I was going to type up a short summary of my weekend

but I'm tired, and I've got kind of a headache

so here's a real short summary: it pretty much sucked

even though Evan made me aware that Bad Company is the best song ever to have played at your funeral

so yeah, bed time

"Let Me Sleep So My Teeth Won't Grind"

Sweet Dreams