"Is Roger Moore playing me? What's going on?" 2004-12-02 - 3:12 a.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

so yeah, the other day, my dad somehow acquired a refrigerator

because my cousins have an outdoor fridge for extra pop[or soda]

and my dad felt we needed one too

so he acquired this refrigerator

and it was filthy

I don't know what the hell was stored in it previously, but somehow there was dirt all over the whole thing

as if someone had stored trees, grass, and small underbrush

a simulated environment inside of a refrigerator

a bio-fridge, if you will

sorry, sometimes I just can't stop myself

but regardless, it was really dirty

and it was incredibly important that I clean it

so I slept in late today

because I'm a dead beat,

and got yelled at by my dad for not rising and shining and cleaning our excess refrigerator

and that was pretty much it for my day

I don't know why I felt the need to type that all up

but I promised a review of Goldeneye; and I wanted to give you an idea of just how boring my life is before I got into it

so yeah, I rented Goldeneye: Rogue Agent

or as it should be called: "Halo: in new James Bond flavor"

and maybe it's just because I went straight from Snake Eater to that

but it was a colossal dissapointment

I'd been looking forward to it literally since I first heard about it months and months ago in EGM

I couldn't wait

the concept sounded brilliant

and back in the day, the original Goldeneye was a game that redefined first-person shooters

[in fact, it's sitting in my Nintendo 64 right now(because I can't afford a Gamecube or X-Box)]

it was awesome, I still play it every once in a while

but the [sorta]sequel...

massive dissapointment

the gameplay is good

that was the point I was trying to make with that Halo joke above

it's like back in the day when Doom 2 came out;

they had these, I think they were called "mods"; where you could replace the sprites and animations of the monsters and weapons and stuff; and pretty much make your own game with the Doom engine

it was really revolutionary

and that's kinda like what they did with the Halo engine to make G:RA

it plays identically

from the dual-weapons to the regenerating health

except with no jump and a better selection of weapons

the major difference in gameplay is the addition of the Goldeneye

[you play an ex-MI6 agent who goes to work for Goldfinger, and he replaces your eye with a cybernetic, golden one that has a bunch of nifty features]

the first thing it does from the start is give you the ability to see through walls

which is cool when you have the right gun and makes sense

but then, instead of doing logical stuff like letting you zoom in so you can snipe with any gun; or have some kind of super-auto-aim that would let you do all head-shots

[which would not only make sense but would be my favorite special feature in a game ever]

instead you get the ability to hack into computers[and weapons(?!)] from a distance[which sorta makes sense in a Bond-movie kinda way], the ability to generate a sheild around yourself[which may not make sense but is the only thing that makes the game playable], and the ability to manipulate magnetic fields to throw enemies around

meh

but you get the feeling this game was designed just for multiplayer, with the single-player added on afterwords

first-person-shooter games are made or broken on their multiplayer nowadays

it's what made Halo the freakishly large hit it is

but that doesn't mean single-player isn't important anymore; which is something the Goldeneye crew seem to have forgotten

the gameplay may be fun, but there's a very limited amount of missions

and they all seem to pretty much boil down to:

"run into this huge room with very little cover by yourself against 80 heavily armed and armored guys"

over and over

and the AI is really good

which is impressive; but given the way the game is set up, it makes it incredibly hard

dumb enemies is one of the things that makes the incredibly unrealistic situation of one man gunning down a whole army possible

when the enemies act like people, it takes some of the fun out of it

if it weren't for the shield feature, you would be fucked

as it is even I, with my incredible skill, have had to continue countless times

and the storyline...

it's something I value highly

but that's Goldeneye's biggest failing

there's practically none

all I know about the storyline I learned in that initial EGM feature

because the story in the game consists of a few lines of dialogue over jumpy, non-linear cinemas

it's incredibly dissapointing

I'd rather be playing Snake Eater again

now it's time for bed

Adios Amigos

[the title is a reference to the fact that Roger Moore was without a doubt the worst Bond, who had the crappiest movies; and so the game fits right in with his contributions to the Bond universe]

�

�