"Imperfect" 2004-11-18 - 3:50 a.m.

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as you may have noticed, I haven't updated lately

there's just been nothing going on

I've been sleeping way too late

not doing anything

bought aMotion, A Perfect Circle's new DVD today

the best feature is by far Maynard's commentary

he's a really intelligent guy, who really has a lot to say

but some of the commentary(on 'Judith' particularly) just reminds me of Kurtz's recordings from Apocolypse Now

it's an interesting little line to hear walked

if that made sense

I'll spare you the rambling, psuedo-confessional entry I had planned tonight

but I do want to say one thing:

I've noticed I have a tendency to put myself down a lot, and sometimes live up to my own "anti-hype"

the thing is:

I'm screwed up, I know that

and that makes it hard to be friends with me or (dare I say?)love me

because my own issues tend to externalize themselves in ways that hurt others, especially those I care about and who care about me

it can range from huge, dramatic arguments to simply not calling when I say I will

and I know

and I'm trying to change

but I'm not succeeding

at least not yet

so I try to warn, and apologize, and even make jokes about it

because that's all I can do

for those around me

those affected by the externalization

the real struggle with it is internal

something I have to deal with myself

and to externalize that would just be words

so for now, all I've got for those of you who give a crap about me is words

but I am trying

and although all I've done is betray trust; when I even gave reason to trust, that is

I can only ask that you trust me

and I understand if and when you don't

"I saw a snail, crawling on the edge of a straight razor..."

Sweet Dreams

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