"A Day In The Awesome Life" 2004-11-09 - 2:53 a.m.

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wow, life just keeps getting awesomer and awesomer for me

let's go through my day in an ordered manner

because it might make more sense that way

first I went to apply at that telemarketing place

I couldn't find it, but I did find this customer service place that I think might have been what Ruben was talking about

I had to take these weird tests for typing and handling customer calls and stuff

the hardest part was not falling asleep during the explanations

but the place was weird

all these people[mostly kids actually, dressed in regular clothes] were coming and going, and they had to use ID cards to open all the doors

and the company logo was seriously a hand holding up the world

like all those cartoons with a company that turns out to really be evil

it was so funny

I hope I get the job

it would be like that Simpsons episode where Homer gets a job for Hank Scorpio

was the company called Globex?

anyway

they told me that the position is most likely filled; but if somebody doesn't show up they'll call me[assuming I pass the interview]

but I've got an interview for tomorrow

so we'll see how that goes

but I had my phone off for the application and tests and such, and when I turned it back on, I had a voicemail from Sarah telling me how Laura had contacted her and told her about our relationship

yay!

God I just love my life sometimes

the situation is especially ironic because not a week before, Laura admitted to me that she had been dating some other guy for quite some time[while we were trying to be together]

and alluded to the fact that she was also dating several other people at the same time

I went out and had a cigarette, and then just let it slide

which may have been masochistic and/or stupid of me

but that's just the way I am

then Laura finds out I went on one date with one other girl[after I told Laura we were through]; and she blows up at not only me, but Sarah as well

which I thought was pretty classy of her

and then there's Sarah

who won't stop calling me

and... there's no nice way to say it; but I've decided I don't want to see her again

and she just keeps trying to call me

I've had to keep my phone off for most of the past couple days because of it

in fact, she'll probably try and call me again after she sees that I've updated

now, Sarah's a nice girl and all, but I just don't see anything happening between us

we went on a date, and... hell, I don't need a freaking reason; I didn't feel any "magic", I don't think there's a future for us, why drag it out until there's serious involvement?

gah

I don't know

I'm not saying I'm completely innocent, and I realize they both have feelings too which are getting hurt as well

but I'm a human, not a saint

I try to be as nice and forgiving as possible at every turn

but... I won't continue a relationship that I don't feel anything for

and I can't just keep taking abuse without responding

whatever

it might be "bad form" to "air my dirty laundry" in here, as it were,

but I'm sick of pussy-footing around it

I just want to get it out, in my diary, where I'm supposed to be allowed to say what I want

vent my feelings, like I started this thing to do

so fuck it

anyway

as for the rest of my day; it was pretty uneventful

until I went to see if I got a super-fun, super-mature response to an angry e-mail I'd sent earlier[the first really angry e-mail I'd sent, actually]

only to find that my entire e-mail account had been erased

over 800 e-mails; some of which had stuff I was saving for a reason

all just mysteriously deleted

I suspect sabotage, but I don't give enough of a fuck to point fingers

in other news,

I heard "Passive" by A Perfect Circle on the radio today

it's actually a re-written version of "Vacant" by a mass-hoax called "Tapeworm" perpetrated by Trent Reznor and Maynard

I honestly think it sounded a lot better as Vacant

but it's still good

and I thought that made a pretty good alegory for a point I wanted to make

see, I'm becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the way my band is sounding

we just keep drifting more and more in the direction Ruben and Gabby want; and when I try and say we should take things more the way I want; they just kinda laugh and say I've got enough input as it is

gah

I don't know

I mean, I like the music we're making

but it isn't the kind of music I want to make

if that makes sense

I like darker, harder stuff, and we just keep getting more and more rythmic and light

it's really starting to bother me

and the whole A Perfect Circle thing comes in in that: it's like Vacant is the kind of music I want to play

and Passive is the kind of music we're making in The Remaining

it's still a version of what I want to play, but lighter and slightly altered

it's really starting to bother me

I'm too comitted to this band at this point to just quit

but I'm feeling more and more stifled and, well, trapped in the kind of music we're making

gah

I don't know

tomorrow I've got a job interview; my van has been (more or less)resurrected; and I finally got the check to straighten things out with the bank

maybe things will finally start turning around for me

we can only hope

Adios Amigos

P.S. - after this entry, it occurs to me to say: this diary is really a showcase for the worst of how I feel. I come here to vent the worst of my feelings; I'm actually capable of laughing and smiling and being happy. In fact I spend a lot of my time that way. But if you only really know me from my diary, then I would certainly seem a lot more depressed than I actually am. Things have been pretty crappy for me lately, so I've been worse than usual in general; but to judge me entirely by what I write in here is an inaccurate view of me as a person. Just wanted to put that out there.

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