"No Cigar" 2004-07-06 - 3:18 a.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

I want to talk but I have nothing to say

I just feel lonely, I guess

"as usual" I suppose

I don't know

I'm faced with the classic dilemma

wanting to be honest/vent all my feelings

vs. not wanting to burden the other party concerned/not wanting to be whiney

who knows?

when "the other party concerned" reads your diary; it keeps you from being as candid as a diary is supposed to be

I don't know

I just figured I'd been hurt so many times one more wouldn't be so bad

just "one more fucking time" to suck it up and take the hit

they're always better off with the other guy

continuing to fight for it would just cause a lot of pain, and even if I "won" they wouldn't be as happy with me as they would be with him

it's the way it goes

I'm used to it by now

at least, I should be

it just, really hurts this time

I think more than ever before

I don't know

no matter how deep I try and bury it; it claws its way back to the top

it's funny

whenver I think of my life as a movie;

I never see myself as the romantic lead

I always see myself more as the other guy

the guy who loves the female romantic lead; but knows she loves the male romantic lead

and he's a good enough guy to keep it inside and smile and give her his blessing while she has her "happily ever after" with the lead

and I've been playing that role(through several variations) in real life for years now

this time it just...

it's harder to suck up than usual

the worst part is; even if I were to "fight for her" or whatever

and I "won" and she ended up with me

it still wouldn't make me happy

because I know she'd be better off and happier with him

I guess I just have to stop bitching and wait for the girl or guy who'll be best off and happiest with me

it just hurts is all

I don't know what else to say

it hurts so bad and I need a place to cry about it

my diary is as good a place as any

I just have to keep telling myself "someday, someday..."

Goddamnit

Sweet Dreams

P.S. - If you read this and believe it applies to you; or that you're one of the characters in my hypothetical situations and whatnot; please disregard it. There's no veiled messages or ulterior motives. It's just the pissing and moaning of a heartsick drama king. Sorry for the inconvenience.