"Black No. 1" 2004-06-24 -

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(3:18 AM) Obstacle 1:

things are weird today

mostly just thinking about the band

I don't really like calling it "The Remaining" anymore

it no longer fits

I don't know

once I got over not being able to sing and started to look at how I was going to cope

I realized that what happened was The Hotline ate The Remaing

Ruben liked The Hotline more, and so he's doing everything he can to make the band more like The Hotline; and since Gabby and Sara were from The Hotline to begin with; they just go along with it

and therefore it's 3 against 1; making my opinion moot

and what the three of them are doing is not what I want to be doing

when I stopped and looked at the music more; I realized that the songs were in fact too different to mesh well, and some of them would have to be re-written

I knew they wouldn't stand for a re-write of The Hotline songs

so of course, it was The Remaining songs that suffered a rewrite

making them shorter, poppier, less-complicated

and now the band is something that I no longer want to be a part of

I'm seriously considering quitting

as of now, my plan is to go to practice tomorrow, and lay everything on the line

tell them exactly how I feel about it; and tell them if they can't think of an answer, I quit

it's going to suck severing myself from the only thing that's really been keeping me going for the past six months

but I've never been one to do things I don't want to just for the sake of doing them

and so I may end up quitting

and with me goes the name; and a large majority of the songs

I don't mean some songs would be left, I mean that only a few pieces of each song would be left

I don't know

I think that they'll do a lot to keep me from quitting

and there's a good chance I'm just being over-pessimistic about the band in general

but there's always a chance

I don't know

it's been a shitty thing to have running through my head the past 24 hours

on one hand I'm beginning to think that combining the bands was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made

but on the other hand, The Remaining's songs weren't as good as I thought they were; and only now am I able to see that

but I don't like the direction they're being taken in

this whole thing is a big, gigantic, nosebleed-causing headache

I know the main quarrel is between me and Ruben

Gabby and Sara are more or less just bystanders; but they're bystanders that will stand behind him, giving him all the power

and while I understand the concept of "everyone else can't be out of step"

they're marching to a beat that I don't want to follow

this whole situation is a mess

in other news, though:

my interview at Hot Topic today went rather well

everyone seemed to like me; and I think I did ok in the interview itself

they're going to be calling people back for second interviews friday and monday

so I guess then I'll find out if my optimism is justified

but all of that just seems like background noise compared to everything else I've been talking about

I'm loathe to keep bitching about it; but it's all I can think about

I guess I'll just end this

voicing my thoughts isn't as therapuetic as usual

so far my luck seems to be at extremes in different areas of my life

here's hoping that for once the good can win out over the bad

Jesus I'm melodramatic

Sweet Dreams

(4:04 AM) Obstacle 2:

sometimes inspiration can come from the strangest[or most obvious, depending on how you look at it] places

I always listen to music when I go to bed, it helps me sleep

tonight I wasn't sure of what to listen to

I'd just finished listening to my only HIM CD, and I don't own any Type O Negative[sadly/yet(that'll change in the near future)]; and those were the only things I felt like listening to

I listened to Metaphor by In Flames on my computer; and that song always reminds me a bit of Silent Hill; so I popped in my Silent Hill 3 soundtrack

and BAM!

it was as if the clouds had parted, the sky cracked open, and God himself reached his fucking arm through and slapped me in the face

the first (real)track on the SH3 soundtrack is this song called "You're Not Here"

if you've ever played SH3; it's the song during the little intro movie that plays if you don't push start when you first put the game in

the track is this fast, dark, guitar driven song with female vocals that; to be 100% honest: sounds like a Hotline song from the warped reality of Silent Hill

and in that moment, I knew exactly what I had to do

fuck Ruben; it's not his band

nobody wants to admit it; but The Remaining is and always has been my band

it's time I fucking showed it

tomorrow night I'm going to get everyone together, and tell them how things are going to be

fuck re-writing The Remaining songs and leaving The Hotline songs alone;

I'm re-writing everything, and making it sound how I want to sound

dark and vaguely twisted

all the creative parts in this band come from me; and it's time I took full advantage of that, no matter whose toes I step on

Ruben obviously doesn't give a fuck if he's stomping on my whole damn foot; so why should I?

whereas when I was writing in here earlier, I was dreading band practice

now I can't fucking wait

I know the way I said things just now may make them seem a little bossy and pushy

but I won't be, and I know those guys will go along, Gabby and Sara and even Ruben are smart enough to trust me

and I know they'll dig the final result

it's going to be a lot of work and take some smooth talking by me;

but if there's two things I've always had; they're work ethic[when it comes to stuff I care about] and a knack for BS'ing

hell, it's my fucking initials for Chrissakes

all that time agonizing; when all I had to do was look to my "roots"

[I feel a hell of a lot more connection to Silent Hill than I do to Ohio; that's for damn sure]

it's amazing how drastically things can change in a moment of inspiration

Sweet Dreams, Baby

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