"Armageddon" 2004-06-23 - 4:43 a.m.

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today was one of those days

feels like years between when I woke up and now

this will probably be much shorter than it deserves, because I'm tired

last week I sold some more of the stock my grandfather bought me; and the check arrived today

which = shopping

because I'm actually a girl

first stop[after the bank, a gas station(for cigarettes), and Quizno's] was the thrift store, where I found this kickass pair of nice white shoes; and they actually fit me!

they didn't have a price tag on them, so I stood in line behind these Mexican guys with ass-loads of stuff all nervous; until I finally got to the front and found out they were only $6.99

even at the thrift store shoes are usually $20.00+ at least; so I was thrilled

after that I went to the mall, where I stopped in at Hot Topic

I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but I applied there last week

anyway, I talked to the manager, and she asked if anyone had called me

I told her no, and she told me that she put my application in the "to call" pile; but she hadn't been able to find it, so she assumed someone had called me and I'd declined the position

once I told her that wasn't the case, she set up an interview with me for tomorrow at 2:30

holy shit

so along with some other minor things not worth mentioning; my day had been going really good up to that point

I figured things were going so good, something bad was definitely going to happen at band practice

guess I'm just psychic

we had a short practice, since Sara had work really early and had to take off

so after Sara left, we went outside for a "break" that lasted probably around an hour or so

first, Gabby and Ruben spent half an hour+ bitching about Sara and her lack of work ethic

then, once they'd finished with that;

Ruben decided to break it to me that he doesn't want me to sing anymore

Gabby basically agreed, I don't know; looking back on it I'm not sure exactly what her thoughts were, but basically she backed up Ruben

I'm still at a loss for words

I got into music to sing

plain and simple

I started playing guitar so I'd have something to do with my hands

admittedly, now I wouldn't want to be in a band if I couldn't play guitar[or bass] either;

but if I can't sing, I'm not interested

I'm going to have to fight Ruben on this one

and as much as I feel like a shithead about it; if I lose I'm just going to quit

because if I can't sing I'm just not going to be interested, and it just wouldn't work if I didn't care about the band

it wouldn't be fair to those guys

I don't know

lately I've been thinking more and more about starting a different kind of band, and maybe this is my chance

and for some time now the band has been the only thing tying me to this shithole town

if it breaks up, maybe then I'll finally be able to make plans to get out of this place

I don't know

I stil feel like shit over the whole thing

but not 1/4 as bad as I felt when I got home

I went outside and knocked over everything on my back porch

[because it was the only shit I could knock around without breaking it and getting in trouble]

then spent like, 15 minutes out in the desert in my backyard almost-crying in the dark

then I picked up the shit on my porch, went inside and had four shots of vodka

every once in a while when something happens that makes me feel really shitty, I sneak a shot of my parent's vodka

tonight my parents weren't home, and I didn't see a reason to stop at one

now, I don't know if my parents just have really strong vodka, or if all vodka's like that, or what

but that shit is like rubbing alcohol

I don't think you're supposed to be able to smell vodka, but I can smell that stuff

I think part of the reason I drink it is because it burns a lot going down and makes my throat numb afterwords

anyway,

after that Sindy called me;

and we had a long, weird, interesting conversation that did a lot to cheer me up

[interesting side note: Sindy seriously sounds like she's only 14; it surprised me when I picked up the phone]

before I'd never had any adverse affects from the single shots of vodka; but tonight it started to kick in during my conversation with Sindy

the only thing I noticed was that I got super dizzy

I spent a lot of that conversation on the floor with my eyes closed trying to "keep myself steady"

I won't be doing that again anytime soon

I never understood why people would want to drink when they're out with their friends; and tonight's experience only further confounds me on the issue

I don't know

things seem to go up and down drastically in "band world" as I call it,

and depending on how things go during the rest of this week; it could be "armageddon" in the near future

I don't know

I signed up to be a singer; I didn't sign up to be in Downtown District pt. 2*

it's been a hell of a ride, but it might be time to get off

nothing like a cliffhanger, right?

Sweet Dreams

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