"Optimistic" 2004-06-19 - 1:30 a.m.

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wow,

so, things were actually the exact opposite of what I thought yesterday

the "things" Gabby wanted to talk about turned out to be a very mild-mannered "jab" at Sara about coming to practice when we're supposed to practice

I talked to the girls about combining the bands, and things went beautifully

Gabby agreed not to let Ruben get to her

Sara and I decided on how we'll share the vocals

and we hammered out all the other details exactly how I hoped we would

they called Ruben and had him come and hear the songs we're going to use in the new band

and of course, the problems came from him

since he didn't arrive until after the girls and I had hammered out all the details; he took it upon himself to tell us how the merger was going to work

so after practice I had to straighten him out

whatever

all in all things went really well; and I'm really excited about the way the band is going to go

so yay for that

tomorrow I have to wake up early to drive my family to the airport; but once I finish typing in here I'm going to go play videogames instead of sleep

because sleep is for the weak

but first a PSA; that goes out to someone special

[bet it's not who you think]

because I can never just keep my mouth shut:

things may suck now; but that's because you're going through the worst part of your life right now

it sounds like a metric ton of bullshit, but over the next few years things will get better

trust me

hell, go back and read my entries from two years ago when I was 17;

I may never have been self destructive,

but at 16 and 17 I could out-crazy anybody on the block

hell, I invented an alternate personality and named him for Chrissake

and I spent many a night curled up in the fetal position in the dark shaking and crying and thinking I could feel myself going crazy

I always thought things would never change, and suicide seemed like the only way to avoid a whole life like that

now, I'm still paranoid, I still ruin relationships; and I still get depressed a lot

but compared to who I was at 16/17; I'm a fucking upstanding citizen

a "Stepford Wife" version of my old self, if you will

I always thought that being happy was kind of an equivalent of "selling out" to myself; and being so dark and depressed was my natural state

but people change, that's the way life goes

I always hate to be the one to say "it will get better"; because that sounds like bullshit, especially coming from me

but it's the truth,

and my experience is not the exception

I don't know what I'm trying to say

and I don't expect anyone to say "yeah, you're right", or change their outlook or anything

but I never could just shut up when people I care about are feeling like shit

I was always a pansy that way

I don't know

I apologize for the pretentiousness/toolishness of that

but is there anything I could say that wouldn't sound pretentious?

Sweet Dreams

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