"Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment" 2004-05-30 - 4:11 a.m.

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not much happening

per usual

Velvet Goldmine had to go back today; which made me sad

I definitely need to buy that movie

the only bad thing about it, though, is that for a while afterwords I have trouble differentiating the fictional life of Brian Slade from the real life of David Bowie

and the character Curt Wild from the man Kurt Cobain

I need to buy the soundtrack, though

[in addition to the movie]

'cause those faux-Bowie songs have really grown on me

but now I've developed a massive crush on Curt Wild

like, Ewan McGregor was hotter than hell before;

but there's just something about him as Curt,

like that part where they're at the cafe, and he says "you could be my main man"...

I get a little hot just thinking about it

it seems I'm getting gayer and gayer as the days go by

like, I really hate to talk about that kind of thing in here

for whatever reason

but my interest in girls is waning; while my interest in boys is holding strong

it's weird

oh well

on to today

I had actually planned to try and get ahold of my friends today;

but as I was laying in bed at 5 AM hitting myself in the head and getting pissed at myself for not being able to fall asleep like a normal person;

I noticed my dad leaving for work

and I noticed he was leaving in my fucking van

his car broke down last night; but I assumed he would be taking my mom's car to work today, since she didn't have work or anything

but he took my Goddamn van

so once again, my plans were foiled before they even got off the ground

at least he put gas in it, though

I really needed it

my bank account is getting low, and my tax refund isn't here yet

oh well

so it goes, I suppose

I need to get off my ass and look for a job

anyway;

after realizing I wasn't sleepy at all, I got up and decided to fuck around on the computer

and I noticed that Meathead was updating again

so I read all the updates he did that I missed

and then still took way too long to fall asleep, so I wound up waking up at like, 4 PM again

so even after my dad got home from work I didn't feel like calling my friends or anything

to tie that pointless anecdote into my overall entry

I don't know

things are weird right now

overall they're good; but it's like I'm in my own little world or something

like in war movies when somebody has a little freakout where everything goes quiet and they see everything in slow motion

Saving Private Ryan is the best one I can think of off the top of my head

where he's at the bridge at the end and that shell hits near him and he's out of it for a minute or two

it's like things are like that for me

I need a job

and things with my friends are just deteriorating worse and worse

but I don't seem to notice

I'm just playing guitar and video games and not snapping out of it

I don't know

it's like I'm just waiting for something to happen that will snap me back to reality

maybe it'll be my bank account running dry

or maybe something else will come along

like hell freezing over and Stephanie calling me or something

who knows?

but hopefully it'll come soon, because despite my not being able to snap out of it and take action, I still realize how dangerous it is

the job half more than the friend half

that was pretty deteriorated to begin with

but continuing to do nothing can't help

I don't know

maybe something will happen tomorrow

Adios Amigos

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