"Daydream Believer" 2004-05-08 - 3:25 a.m.

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things are weird tonight

I had a long and varied day

and the fact that I spent pretty much 90% of it with my sister and had a good time is really astounding

...that's not a joke

I don't know, I suppose I'll go through my day in my livejournal, give it some much needed substance

and I'll talk about my feelings in here

I don't know

I rented Onimusha 3 today

and I love it more than I love taffy

etc., etc.

the only reason I [forced myself to]stop playing it is that I really don't want to beat it the first night I rent it

I want this one to last

but it's put me into kind of a weird place

real life is just so boring compared to all that

fighting monsters with magic weapons

how can real life compete with that?

sometimes I just can't stand it

I remember the first time I played through Silent Hill 2

it was one of the best experiences of my life

for the time I was playing, it was like I stepped through a doorway into some fantastic other world

I became this other person; thinking as him, seeing things as him

experiencing everything as if I were physically there

Brett was long gone

and... it was amazing

just go back and read the entries from when I was playing it, roughly this one to this one;

[if you actually do, just try and ignore all that other shit I was saying, I was pretty screwed up back then]

hell, sometimes I go back and read them just to try and remember that feeling

I remember actually trying to rationalize seeing the monsters in my head

telling myself that they didn't matter, the only thing that mattered was seeing my wife, I had to see my wife

she came back from death for this; and I would not lose her again

I mean, how can worrying about finding a drummer for my band and explaining to my parents how I blew the opportunity to finally get a job compete with that?

sometimes it gets so hard to accept reality that it's physically painful

last night as I was laying in bed trying to sleep,

I started to imagine myself as a character on a tv show I watch

how I would interact with the other characters, and how I would leave as the series wrapped up

and it was just so vivid

when the CD I was listening to ended and I had to get up to change it, it was like crashing back into my body

it was hard to tell myself that all of that wasn't real; to try and remember all the shit in my actual life

to tell myself that was reality

it made me sad

that happens to me a lot

I just can't stand how dull real life is

go to school, get a job, get married, raise kids, grow old and die

it terrifies me

the only thing I can do to cope is just play a lot of video games, and read my books and watch my movies

and try to think as little as possible about real life

I don't think I could handle it otherwise

I don't know how you guys can handle looking at reality all the time

well, I suppose some of you drink or do drugs

make your little escapes that way

but I don't want that

some nonsensical acid trip, or a "rose colored glasses" view of things until it wore off

I want samurai swords and monsters

this whole "reality" thing just isn't for me

I don't know how you guys do it

Sweet Dreams