"Denim Demon" 2004-05-04 - 2:09 a.m.

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well, I took the time to make a new livejournal

you can check it out here

if you're on lj too add me as a friend and we can all be super happy friends on two pathetic online journal sites

on to the actual entry:

well, the good news is I did everything I said I would today

I called that guy, and I closed my savings account and trasnferred the money into my checking account

the bad news is:

the guy filled the job at the gas station

telling him to wait while I found out about Wal-Mart was a fantastic mistake

and I can't believe I made it in the first place

so now I'm back to square one

...Goddamnit

on the upside, it was only a part-time job with crappy pay; and now I'll be forced to really try and get my job back at Wal-Mart, which is what I really wanted anyway

...aah, who am I kidding?

this sucks

and it's my own damn fault

damnit

things are real confusing in general right now

my mom's been talking to me about going back to school lately

and I should

I want to

I could get a student loan for it; so being poor isn't as big a deal

but I don't want to go to school just for the sake of going to school

I don't know what I want to go to school for

I'm thinking I might go that ITT-Tech place

learn something that would get me a job, and then focus on my music career

or go mountain biking, like in the commercials

I'm not sure which

I don't know

I want to go to school out of state

I'm fucking sick of Arizona and it's crappy environment

but I've only really got 3 options;

New York; where I could live with my uncles for a while, and could get a band together easy

honestly that's probably the best option, but I'm not sure I'm ready for the big city; and I'm not sure how much room my uncles have

not to mention the fact they might be moving to LA

well, the one actually related to me might be, I hear his partner wants to stay in NY, so I'm not sure how that's gonna work out

option 2: Toledo, Ohio; where I could live with my grandparents

I was born there, and so were both my parents, and the fact that my grandparents live there is about all it's got going for it

option 3: LA; where I could possibly live with my cousins and/or my uncle/s[if he/they move down there]

to be honest, I don't really want to go there, but if I decide I still want to go to film school, it would probably be a good place; and I'm sure the music scene is decent, better than OH, anyway

but the fact is LA sounds like it's full of pretentious, self-absorbed assholes, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's pretentious, self-absorbed assholes

[gee, no wonder I hate myself]

option 4 would be to go someplace else like Seattle or somewhere where I guess I would live on the street for a year or so until I could afford my own place

...well, I suppose student loans might cover a dorm room until I could get a job; I don't know, I'd have to look into it

option 30: was Trent Reznor's first band that I hear played crappy 80's music

[to quote Meathead: "your fans found pictures of you on the internet with bad 80's hair, go back three spaces"*]

so I don't know

the future is an unknown mess, as always

nothing really new there

as far as the present goes,

I've been considering doing drag lately

Stephanie's shows look like a lot of fun, and I've been wondering about doing it myself

the problem is I don't know if I'm gay enough

I'm sure they'd let me do it even if I was completely straight, but I wouldn't feel right

I mean, I think the guy who was voted Ms. Gay Teen Tucson 2004 is bi, and I believe he actually has a girlfriend

[but I'm not sure about that]

but I just wouldn't feel right

I've actually been tallying up in my head things that count towards my gayness or straightness, and here's what I've got so far[because I like to talk and have nothing to say]:

even though I think about girls at home,

the last few times I've been out I've been looking for guys who seem interesting/ed rather than girls

as far as experience goes:

I've only been in one real relationship, and it was with a girl,

but the only person to touch my junk outside of doctors and the like was a guy;

I've only made out with two people, one girl, one guy

so that all kind of cancels itself out

I took thespark.com's gay test and[I never trust online quizzes, as a rule, but] the results were that I was 48% gay, which sounds about right

another thing is that I have really hairy legs

it's like fur

and if I shaved them, it would be really obvious; and my parents would notice, and I can't think of a good lie to tell them about that; so they would probably find out

and I don't want my parents to find out

but on the other hand I suppose I could just say I was European

I don't know

drag classes start in June, so I've got a whole month to decide

I probably won't do it anyway, but it's fun to pretend

gives me something to think about other than how depressing my real life is

Sweet Dreams

*-[Meathead doesn't have his page up anymore, but he used to post stuff that kind of mocked Trent Reznor and Nine Inch Nails(out of admiration, or so he claimed); and that was from something he did called "The Game of Trent's Life"]

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