"Suburban Prince's Death Song" 2004-04-21 - 3:06 a.m.

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let's try something different tonight, honey

I'm going to start shallow, and get progressively deeper as the entry goes along

ready? let's go:

Season 3 of The Shield really rocks

the first season was absolutely awesome, it was more like a mob show than a cop show

and then the second season wasn't that good; they tried to make Mackey a good guy instead of having him do bad shit with good intentions and letting you decide

and now the third season is amazing; they've gone back to what they do best and it might be even better than the first season

also, the new movie Man On Fire looks better and better with every preview of it I see

at first I thought it was just going to be a rip off of the Punisher with Denzel Washington as the lead; but it's starting to look better and better

in other news,

I've been thinking that my upbeat, "manic" entries aren't as funny as I want them to be

it's hard to really be funny when the entry before it is bordering on suicidal

so I'm considering starting another diary; where I would pretend to be a superhero, and describe the mundane shit in my day as if it were grandiose battles for the fate of the world

with a kind of parody vibe to all of it

trust me, it would be hilarious

I would still use this one of course; but more for the depressed/ing/ive stuff

but I don't want to start the other diary until I get the layout ready,

because a diary like that would not work well with a crappy generic layout

so if any of you are willing and able to make diaryland layouts; drop me a note and we'll talk

as far as my actual day goes; I applied at Wal-Mart today; and I really really hope I can get my job back there

that was a nice place to work, and it had good pay

so here's hoping

but most of my day revolved around practice

tonight I figured I would go to Blockbuster and rent a game on my way to practice, so I left early

but then I changed my mind and just drove past it

so I got about halfway there and realized that it was only about the time I usually leave my house

which meant I was going to be waiting outside the practice room for 15-20 minutes

so I turned around and went to Zia for a bit

wether that was a good idea I'll leave up to you

I bought Modest Mouse's 'Float On' 7" single(yes, vinyl)

and finally got ahold of Sonic Youth's 'Daydream Nation'; which I've been wanting for a long time

so it's cool that I got those; but now I've only got $15 left

$100 really isn't that much these days, even to po' folk like me

[mmm... the Nappy Roots]

anyway,

at practice, the singer of Ruben's old band showed up to get something of hers from the practice room; and we let her hear a few of our songs

I don't know how we did

I was a little nervous warming up in front of a fellow singer[it made sense at the time], so I didn't warm up;

which caused me to sing badly during the actual songs

and because of that I was too nervous to really put on a show for her

but whatever

we didn't suck as bad as I made it sound

we played three songs; and as we went along my voice warmed up and I got a little more energetic

she said she liked it, but she didn't seem enthusiastic

whatever

then during practice we've been struggling working on this new song

you may remember that I posted the lyrics in here a while back; it's called "Lenore's Waltz"

and it's a good song, but it's turning out to be really complicated to get written

and Ruben's having trouble with it because he thinks it's going to be a bad live song

the "low point" of our show

and basically, he's not wrong

I mean, it's a really slow song

and we're basically still a punk band

I mean, I don't scream a whole lot and our songs are real riff-heavy and semi-"intricate"[as I like to call it]

but we still play fast and hard and jump around when we perform

and this is a really slow song

now, this didn't used to be a problem

when I used to think up setlists in my head; there used to be a nice progression

we would start with Failure, which is a good opener[and we still intend to open with]; and is semi-dark

then we go to October, which is one of our slower songs

from there we would go to our cover of 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' by Joy Division; which was a nice bridge between the two

then on to Lenore's Waltz

and from there we go to the song I wrote for Ruben, where the first half["Parabol"] is real slow and practically accoustic,

and then the second half["Parabola"] starts to take off, progressing into a real fast song at the end

which is a great way to transfer out of the slow stuff and into our faster stuff

it made for this nice little curve in our setlist; dropping neatly into the slow, dark stuff and then sliding easily into our faster, harder, punker stuff

but since Ruben refuses to do the covers; it takes Joy Division out, leaving us with a sharp drop on our setlist

and without the smooth transition, it is going to be a tough song to pull off live

and so as we're writing it, Ruben is bitching about how he wants to add all this weird crap to it to make it interesting and a good live song

and I just don't know how we can spice it up without changing the whole feeling of the song

I mean, some songs I'm more protective of than others; and this one I'm really proud of, and I don't see how there's a lot of room to fuck with it

...so that's our latest point of friction

I don't know

I'm supposed to go see Kill Bill Vol. 2 with Stephanie tomorrow

and as I was driving home from practice I was thinking about it; and it made me feel like shit

things between me and Stephanie have been real bad lately

I mean, we don't scream or fight or anything

but it seems like the only time I talk to her is for her to cancel plans we had

and then sooner or later I hear about how she was hanging out with these other people and having a great time

which makes me feel great, as you can tell

I don't know

I don't want to really start bitching about that; because that's a high, slippery slope to play on[as it were]

and I don't even know where to begin

but I will say that I used to think I was just paranoid

with her cancelling plans and all that shit

but this has been going on, and getting worse, for years now

at what point does it go from paranoia to fact?

when do I get to call her on this shit and not feel like a bastard for it?

I just wish I had a way to prove one way or the other

I mean, I don't even have to go look at older entries to know how much she used to mean to me

hell, type on a screen could never describe how much she meant to me

how close we were

and now I only think of her as one of my friends out of habit

we never talk, we never see eacthother; and we have no plans even just to hang out in the future

and all I can do is shrug

somehow having something like we had die so slowly and silently seems so much worse than a big, violent explosion where we ended up hating eachother

it would almost make me cry if I had it in me to care

and finally, a note on, well, notes

a few of you left me notes to cheer me up after my really depressed entry the other night

and again, thank you,

but it made me feel really bad that I rarely leave notes for others when they talk about how down they are

but I can just never find anything to say anymore

I open the window to type, and nothing comes out

it just feels like: "who am I to say "everything's going to be alright"? I'm just going to go back to my diary and talk about how much I hate my life"

I used to be able to

I used to be able to at least try, anyway

but I never could cheer my friends up

and I haven't been able to say anything since this one time

I wrote about it in here; I went back and tried to find the entry the other day but I couldn't

but this one night I came home from a walk and found my mom in the living room crying

she was all worried that I hated my life and hated her

which, of course, was true

but I never let her know that

and so I stood next to her and I flat-out lied to her until she stopped crying and gave me a hug and went back to bed

and ever since that night, I have not been able to say anything comforting to anyone

not like I used to, anyway

I'm dead serious

it's like I used up the ability that one time

overtaxed the gland and destroyed it

and so Robyn, I'm sorry I didn't have anything comforting to say tonight

and I'm sorry to all of you for when you're feeling down and I don't leave a note with kind words

I'm really sorry

Sweet Dreams

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