"These Important Years" 2004-03-04 - 3:35 a.m.

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this sucks

my stomach is on the verge of hurting real bad

teetering at the edge,

mocking me

"I can hurt you; and there's fuck all you can do about it"

my stomach and I used to be such good friends

where the hell did I catch Crohn's Disease?

bah

speaking of shit like that

I've been wondering:

is temper learned or inherited?

did I learn from watching my dad that when I get angry I should fly into a range and stand physically shaking, struggling to control myself;

or did I inherit from him a special gland, or some brain synapse that fires on double-overdrive when presented with the proper stimuli?

I'm legitimately curious

anyway

the weather has been gorgeous lately

it's been completely grey and rainy for the past few days

the sky is so overcast that the level of light hovers at just above twilight for the entire day

it's wonderful

if the weather could be like this wherever I lived for the rest of my life; I'd be a very happy man

I'm going to be really sad when the clouds blow away and the sun shows its garish face again

making everything too bright

if my sunglasses weren't so damn effective I'd wear them all the time, like Hyde from That '70s Show or Rain from House of Secrets

oh well

so it's less than a week until I go see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

for some reason I'm not all that excited

mainly because I'm not thinking about it

because when I actually think that I'm going to see Nick Zinner and Karen O standing in the same room with me...

*drool*

so I don't know

I try not to get excited about stuff like that, in case it doesn't work out

I wrote some good music for a song tonight

I didn't get to the lyrics 'cause that was when my stomach started acting up; and I couldn't concentrate anymore

but I plan for it to be kind of the 'part 1' to that song Ruben wanted me to write about unrequited love

the "Parabol" to its "Parabola"

if you're a Tool fan

I'm pretty proud of it; and I hope I can get the lyrics and 'part 2' to sound as good

speaking of the band

Ruben's going to try and get his girlfriend to play drums for us

I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with it, for a number of reasons

but like I told Ruben early on:

"I wouldn't mind a robot from space playing drums for us; as long as it didn't kill people"

we're desperate for a drummer and he says she's pretty good

so as long as they keep things proffessional, hopefully things will go down smooth

I'm really excited about a show I watch

I won't say what it is because my friends hate it

and for all my "fuck everybody else" talk; I do care what my friends think

I'm just pissed because the plot is getting really interesting; but I have to wait at least two weeks to get any kind of answers

(they didn't show a "next week, on an all new __" at the end; which means next week will be a rerun)

I fucking hate weekly shows

seriously

I can't wait two bloody weeks

damnit

*sigh*

but on to more serious topics

I keep meaning to go apply at Wal-Mart again

because my mom says they're hiring

and even if they only hired me the first time because my mom kept bugging them

they hired me; and so that probably gives me a pretty good advantage over these other people they haven't hired before

I mean, yeah, they didn't keep me on when seasonal employment ended;

but that's not the same as firing me

not by a long shot

so I should get off my lazy ass and actually act on this opportunity

but I didn't get around to it today

and there's no guarantee I'll get to it tomorrow either

I fucking hate myself sometimes

but it's just so hard to make myself try given my track record

I mean, I went two entire years without getting hired

think about that

for two whole years I continued to apply at random places around town

but never got hired

for two whole years

that's not exactly encouraging

in fact it's downright discouraging

and there's nothing at all encouraging me to get a job either

every time my parents try to encourage me/suggest stuff

it just sounds like they're putting me down for not having a job

which makes me feel even worse; and that much less motivated

I don't know

God I hate myself sometimes

what the hell makes me so unappealing to potential employers?

I cut my hair, shaved my goatee; started showering regularly and dressing nicer

I actually have some experience now and a proffessional reference

why can't I find a job?

Stephanie and Robyn went out and found jobs like that-

*snaps fingers*

but oh no,

not me

what the fuck is wrong with me?

---

ok, I'm stopping now

this could go on all night

I'm making a conscious effort to stop and spare you poor bastards my maniacal ravings

I apologize

Sweet Dreams