"I'm Ok With My Decay" 2004-03-01 - 3:39 a.m.

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it's been a while since I've been really depressed

I came close tonight,

but it really just made me realize how far I've come

I'd been debating going back to therapy for a while

to really work on my problems instead of talking about unimportant stuff like I did last time

to really make an effort to fix myself

but... I haven't had a problem in a while

even when I feel like shit, I never come close to the way I used to feel

and, I guess I'm finding out that it really does get better with age

all the shit I never wanted to believe when I was sixteen or seventeen

I thought things would always be that way

but now, just a few short years later,

I can honestly say that I feel good in general

it's...

weird

I don't know

I feel a pang of regret as I write this

I've always believed that the me I was when I was depressed was the real me

that the only time I ever really said or thought or felt anything real was when I was depressed

that when I felt good I was just a shallow asshole with nothing to say

and if I don't get as depressed anymore; and it happens less often,

what does that mean for me?

I just keep telling myself that it's not true

that it's just part of the cycle I built for myself to keep myself depressed

but who knows?

not me

I Never Lost Control

Sweet Dreams