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"Bring Me The Disco King" 2004-01-15 - 2:45 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj the weather was beautiful today cold and grey and drizzling all day I definitely need to move somewhere where the weather is like this all the time like Seattle or London if Bush gets reelected I'll put in college applications for Canada and England then but moving on to the entry proper: I've been doing a lot of thinking lately no real answers, just a lot of questions technically I'm graduated from high school meaning it would be stupid of me to wait until may to start planning for my future just because I won't get my diploma until then it was pretty stupid of me to put planning for my future on hold in the first place but I don't know what the hell I want to do I keep saying I want to go to film school but really that's because it's the only thing that they have school for that I want to do I don't know I'll just go with it and see where it leads me I'm starting to question where I want to take my music as well although my tastes are still soft and squishy, my recent obsession with punk has wavered a little but the only guitar parts I write that are really, really good are for stuff in drop-d that fits more with A Perfect Circle-type music for a while I was thinking of finding a spot in the middle, a la Zwan but tonight I've been thinking I could pull off a more Elliott Smith-style "mope rock" sound with just me and my accoustic the only lyrics I can really write are depressing anyway and I was doing pretty good writing songs on my accoustic when I was depressed I don't know more questions and I've started getting sick a lot lately it's not quite as bad as it was before I got medication but it's a lot worse than it was before I got the job at Wal-Mart I've just been so stressed lately and I don't know where it will end when I had the job at Wal-Mart I thought the break between when seasonal employment ended and when I found my next job would provide me with a nice relaxing break to let my stomach cool down a little but then seasonal employment ended much earlier than I thought and caught me with my pants down, so to speak I had thought they would warn me at least two weeks in advance and I could go out and look for jobs while I was still working there but nope and finding a job is just as hard as it ever was so now I'm stressing about not having a job and when I do have a job I'll be stressing about getting sick at work and there's just no end to it I can't even talk to my dad anymore it sucks everytime I think about him it just feels like he's thinking "God, my son's such a fucking failure" I'm practically scared to talk to him because looking him in the eyes makes me feel like nothing and everytime he talks it just feels like he's barely containing yelling at me about not having a job or even worse that he's just given up just resigned himself to the fact that I'm a dirty little failure and always will be it just... *ahem*, moving on for some reason lately I've been thinking a lot about some things I said or did as a child growing up and I can't help but think: "damn, how did I not grow up to be gay?" I swear, some nights when my parents were getting ready for bed my mom must've been like: "I'm pretty sure Brett's gay" honestly I'd be giving serious thought to my sexuality had I not already been over this did a little "experimenting" with Cody [still a virgin, though] but the truth is, the question still kinda stands I never really stopped being attracted to guys I just kinda repressed it and claimed my "bi phase" was over because I couldn't really see myself in a relationship with a guy but either way I know I could never be completely gay; because I just find women so much more attractive in every way so I'll just leave that question at the bottom of the "to do" pile until I'm far away from my family so yeah, that's a small[very small] sample of the multitude of things that run through my head between videogame sessions was it a good read? *edit*-I just tried to write a song; and I managed to whip up a decent guitar part, but when I went to write the lyrics, I just... I don't know, my concentration just shattered I started to freak out a little; I can't even explain it really because I can barely concentrate it's just; what the fuck?! something's very wrong with me Sweet Dreams � � |