"Bring Me The Disco King" 2004-01-15 - 2:45 a.m.

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the weather was beautiful today

cold and grey and drizzling all day

I definitely need to move somewhere where the weather is like this all the time

like Seattle or London

if Bush gets reelected I'll put in college applications for Canada and England then

but moving on to the entry proper:

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately

no real answers, just a lot of questions

technically I'm graduated from high school

meaning it would be stupid of me to wait until may to start planning for my future just because I won't get my diploma until then

it was pretty stupid of me to put planning for my future on hold in the first place

but I don't know what the hell I want to do

I keep saying I want to go to film school

but really that's because it's the only thing that they have school for that I want to do

I don't know

I'll just go with it and see where it leads me

I'm starting to question where I want to take my music as well

although my tastes are still soft and squishy, my recent obsession with punk has wavered a little

but the only guitar parts I write that are really, really good are for stuff in drop-d that fits more with A Perfect Circle-type music

for a while I was thinking of finding a spot in the middle, a la Zwan

but tonight I've been thinking I could pull off a more Elliott Smith-style "mope rock" sound with just me and my accoustic

the only lyrics I can really write are depressing anyway

and I was doing pretty good writing songs on my accoustic when I was depressed

I don't know

more questions

and I've started getting sick a lot lately

it's not quite as bad as it was before I got medication

but it's a lot worse than it was before I got the job at Wal-Mart

I've just been so stressed lately

and I don't know where it will end

when I had the job at Wal-Mart I thought the break between when seasonal employment ended and when I found my next job would provide me with a nice relaxing break to let my stomach cool down a little

but then seasonal employment ended much earlier than I thought and caught me with my pants down, so to speak

I had thought they would warn me at least two weeks in advance and I could go out and look for jobs while I was still working there

but nope

and finding a job is just as hard as it ever was

so now I'm stressing about not having a job

and when I do have a job I'll be stressing about getting sick at work

and there's just no end to it

I can't even talk to my dad anymore

it sucks

everytime I think about him it just feels like he's thinking "God, my son's such a fucking failure"

I'm practically scared to talk to him because looking him in the eyes makes me feel like nothing

and everytime he talks it just feels like he's barely containing yelling at me about not having a job

or even worse that he's just given up

just resigned himself to the fact that I'm a dirty little failure and always will be

it just...

*ahem*, moving on

for some reason lately I've been thinking a lot about some things I said or did as a child growing up

and I can't help but think: "damn, how did I not grow up to be gay?"

I swear, some nights when my parents were getting ready for bed my mom must've been like: "I'm pretty sure Brett's gay"

honestly I'd be giving serious thought to my sexuality had I not already been over this

did a little "experimenting" with Cody

[still a virgin, though]

but the truth is, the question still kinda stands

I never really stopped being attracted to guys

I just kinda repressed it and claimed my "bi phase" was over

because I couldn't really see myself in a relationship with a guy

but either way I know I could never be completely gay; because I just find women so much more attractive in every way

so I'll just leave that question at the bottom of the "to do" pile until I'm far away from my family

so yeah, that's a small[very small] sample of the multitude of things that run through my head between videogame sessions

was it a good read?

*edit*-I just tried to write a song;

and I managed to whip up a decent guitar part,

but when I went to write the lyrics, I just...

I don't know, my concentration just shattered

I started to freak out a little; I can't even explain it really because I can barely concentrate

it's just; what the fuck?!

something's very wrong with me

Sweet Dreams