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"Built to Spill" 2003-12-30 - 4:51 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I'm so sick of hearing/reading myself bitch but I need to vent somewhere I feel bad for you poor souls who read this assuming any of you still do it seems like I got dealt one crappy hand in life with the worst card by far being my ability to deal with things and take action I got a real shitty one there I try to tell myself that it's just saratonin levels in my brain; that it's not my fault I'm so pathetic God I hope that's the reason I'm 19 that's still pretty young but 20's not 20 means a young adult do you have any idea of the things I thought I'd have done by 20? I thought I'd have a girlfriend; be in college; have a steady job; be living on my own; be in a band but look at me still a virgin, only had one girlfriend[for about two months], haven't graduated high school, still unemployed, still living with my parents, no band, and have a whopping two friends [well, two friends I see and make plans with anyway; sorry Evan] I'm fucking 19 years old and it feels like my life is over and wasted at 19 and I know I can't change without help; but I don't know where to find help I want to call up my therapist and beg her for medication but she'll want me to talk about it and stuff and I don't want to talk I just want pills to put my Goddamn seratonin levels the way they should be and hope that I can be a better person than I've been for the past 19 years and if it's not the seratonin levels... if I go on Prozac or Lithium and it doesn't work... if I'm stuck this way forever, what kind of life will I have? working some shit job, living in some little shitty house alone; for the rest of my life that's not a life that's going through the motions while your body decays with you still inside it I'd choose death over that without a second thought but we all now I'm too bloody weak for that I bitch about it and bitch about it and bitch about it get my friends all pissed off at me how the fuck do you guys cope? what makes you decide that life is worth living? that there is a reason to stick around? I don't know I know what I thought the reason was I just don't think I'll get it and it's all my fault there's no reason to blame anyone else in the end, I'm the one who's not bettering myself or situation I'm the one who's not doing what I want I'm the one who's "built to spill"; designed to fail by my own hand funny, I wasn't so depressed when I started... Sweet Dreams built to spill you are pleased precariously temporarily filled you will spill until lower expectations momentarily chilled you will built to spill because at the time it seemed like an acceptable deal you feel you feel you feel like you are on the verge of something real on a roll and built to spill this is how you'll always feel it's no big deal I'm ashamed of you my friend would you please would you please I'm to blame for this my friend would you please would you please built to spill carry out your function when occasionally filled you will you will you will come alive to something real then realize you're built to spill this is how you'll always feel it's no big deal -Built to Spill Built to Spill � � |