"Something Must Break" 2003-12-05 - 3:28 a.m.

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well, I got payed today

turns out, I misunderstood what they said at my orientation

it wasn't that I was getting paid for three weeks, I just wasn't getting paid on that first payday

I had also grossly overestimated the hours I worked

turns out, I got about half of what I expected

I got what I thought I would get if I worked part-time

so I got to go in and work full-time

but got the same pay that caused me to bitch when I thought I had gotten less hours

that sucks

once I get that new leather jacket, and taking into account Christmas shopping and money for gas and food;

starting a savings account is a foolish dream

I'm trying to tell myself it'll just be this time

once I get the Christmas shopping done I'll have enough to put some in the bank and spend the rest

but this time I don't

it threw me into a deep depression today

I don't know how I did it

how I managed to work, and to cross the parking lot for lunch without throwing myself in front of a car

God knows I wanted to

every time a car went by I begged, pleaded for them to hit me

but they didn't

and I crossed the road like a normal person

and it's not that my depression is getting worse

it's just that I'm getting worse at dealing with it

the muscles I use to shrug it off are becoming exhausted

I used to bitch about how I would wake up, and then sit around my house until I fell asleep; repeat at nauseum

now I wake up, go to work, come home and sit around until I fall asleep; repeat at nauseum

and work sucks

I'm still not getting the kind of money I need

the sad truth is that once temporary employment runs dry, I'm either going to have to stick with full-time if they keep me; or make sure that my next job is full-time

and I just keep thinking: where will it end?

I'm so sick of this pale imitation of a life I lead

everyone says: "it'll get better"

but when?

when do I get the girl and the band and the happy ending?

where does it stop being what it is and change into what it should be?

and what do you have to prove that you're not just a lying fuck?

I came to some dark realizations today

but I'm not going to share them

for the same reason I've always internalized these kinds of things

because were I to tell them; people would want to know why

and my answers would not satisfy them

and so I'll avoid the prying of others

and keep my problems mine

but I will leave you with these semi-cryptic but apt lyrics

Sweet Dreams

Two ways to choose

On a razors edge

Remain behind

Go straight ahead

Room full of people, room for just one

If I can't break out now, the time just won't come

Two ways to choose

Which way to go

Decide for me

Please let me know

looked in the mirror, saw I was wrong

If I could get back to where I belong, where I belong

Two ways to choose

Which way to go

Had thoughts for one

Designs for both

But we were immortal, we were not there

Washed up on the beaches, struggling for air

I see your face still in my window

Torment yet calms, won't set me free

Something must break now

This life isn't mine

Something must break now

Wait for the time

Something must break

-Something Must Break

Joy Division

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