"Well There Once Was A Man..." 2003-11-22 - 2:10 a.m.

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As usual, my friends were too busy to hang out with me tonight

I don't want to get pissed off; but it hurts

I've said for a few days now that I really want to hang out tonight because I'm off work

and I talked about it with Robyn[who told me in advance she was busy]

I called Stephanie three or four times tonight and she wasn't home

took off with Evan somewhere

and I don't want to make a big deal out of it

but I'm just so fucking lonely

I fell into a real deep depression tonight

I went to Zia and the mall tonight

[finally got myself a Smiths album]

and I prayed to God that I would get in a fatal car accident

earlier today I had to go get a perscription from Walgreens

and as I was starting my car to leave; a wasp flew down and buzzed around the car next to mine

and it started to fly towards my car, which had an open window;

and without looking, I just pulled out into the parking lot aisle as fast as I could

that was really stupid

I feel bad about how idiotic that was

but I don't feel too bad because I know I can't help it

but the point is

I wish so bad some idiot in an SUV or a big-ass pickup truck(which are so popular around here) had been flying down that aisle and slammed into me and killed me

I can't kill myself, so I want someone to do it for me

I wanted to cry tonight but I knew I couldn't cry hard enough

I just feel so empty inside

I wanted to get a job because I thought it would help

but it only made things worse

I want to quit but I know if I do it won't help and then I'll just have no income

I'm so empty on the inside

and my life is so empty on the outside

and I blew the only chance at love I may ever get because we're so far away

and it just seems like it's never going to change

friends can never be what I need

and I can't find love

and my self is so cold and ugly

and I don't think I can go on

but I can't end it

and it hurts so bad

sometimes I want to just throw my guitar into my van and hit the road

head for New York

get that shitty apartment in the bowery

start all over

but I know it would never work

I could change my hair or clothes or how I act

I could take out my earrings and shave my sideburns and become a different person

but at the end of the day; I would still be me

when I looked in the mirror, I would still see the same problems staring back at me

and what's the point in running if what you hate will always be with you?

I just want it to stop

I've noticed that I draw a lot of pictures of myself

lately it's all I've been drawing

when I feel so bad I can't put it into words; I draw it out

here's what I drew tonight:

it's a little simplistic; but it's supposed to show how empty I feel inside

do me a favor and drop me a note if you can or can't see it; just to be sure I did that right

Grey Would Be The Color; If I Had A Heart

MY life has just become a movie. These are the songs that would play during the following:

opening credits: Guitar And Videogames by Sunny Day Real Estate

party/social gathering scene: Bound For The Floor by Local H

falling in love scene: Trampoline by Calamine

screwing up that love scene: Liquid Boy by Built to Spill

pining for unrequited love scene: Lovesong by The Cure

mind-numbing boredom montage: I Wanna Be Sedated by The Ramones

getting introduced to heroin scene: Would by Alice in Chains

horrible depression scene: Quicksand by Dinosaur Jr

suicide scene: Sacrifice Vs. Apathy by Slowride / or else OD scene: Needle In The Hay by Elliott Smith

funeral scene: Atmosphere by Joy Division

closing credits: How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths

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