"My Own Worst Enemy" 2003-11-19 - 1:37 a.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

I'm not sure how to start this entry

I've got stuff to say but I'm not sure how to go into it

I got sick this morning

again

had to go into work an hour and a half late

I'm starting to get worried

I was going months at a time without being sick

and now I've got sick three times within a week

and I know it's my fault

I'm sure that its' being caused by nerves now

and I hate it

work is so easy

so incredibly easy

it's me sitting at home thinking about work that's hard

I keep telling myself that I've only been working two days; I'll get over it

I'll get used to it, and it won't seem like such a big deal

'cause right now...

right now I'm nervous almost all the time

not for fear of what I have to do at work

but for fear that I might get sick at work

and all the nervousness is making me sick

it's a vicious cycle

and I can't believe that I've only been working two days

it feels like it's been months since my job interview

it was last friday

it's been almost a week

my first paycheck comes in three weeks

and it seems like forever

and I keep telling myself that I'll get used to it and the days will pass like normal instead of like years

and it's not the job that's hard

it's me thinking about the job

and I'm thinking of calling up my therapist and getting her to perscribe me a medication

because I'm so sick of this

sick of things that should be simple becoming gigantic; horrifying issues

sick of knowing that with all these big situations; the only problem is me

and that my problem is caused by a chemical imbalance

they have pills to fix those

I used to not want to do that

because for better or worse; who I was was who I was

because I thought that the only time I had any character or personality was when I was depressed

because I wanted to be all dark and tortured

but now I know better

the things that I thought were me

are just crossed wires and faulty nuetrons

and if I can take a pill and make that go away, I'll do it gladly

then maybe I can live without having everything become a gigantic, life-altering issue

and I can stop turning something so minor as a job into something too big to even put into words

Zoloft didn't work for me

but I hope that Lithium or something else will

I just have to make the appointment and talk to her

Sweet Dreams

�

�