"ulterior motives" 2003-10-16 - 4:03 a.m.

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I hate myself

I've turned music into something horrible

I love music

I want to make music

making music makes me feel good

but I've corrupted that

I've turned it into a gigantic ploy for attention

I always wanted to be lead singer;

because lead singers get all the attention

they get all the credit

but my lyrics sucked

and they still suck

but I started writing guitar parts

good guitar parts

guitar parts that I couldn't sing while I played

so I begrugdingly called Clinton and gave up the lead singer position to him

but I couldn't let it go

I had to make up for that

it's not enough to just be the guitar player

guitar players don't get enough recognition

but if I wrote all the music

and the lyrics(somehow)

I could still get the attention I crave

so I've made it something I have to do

I have to write all the music

I have to write the lyrics

I have to get the credit

I don't even want to be in a band if I can't do all the writing

because I need to get the credit

I've turned something beautiful into something I have to do so that I can get the approval I so desperately crave

and I hate myself for it

I don't care what strangers think

I hate what mainstream music fans think

but I need them to love me

I need the love of the masses

I make myself sick

I wish I could just enjoy music

I wish I could just write my genius(if I do say so myself) guitar parts and be satisfied

but I need that approval

I need that fucking attention

I have to write all the music

I have to get the credit

and it's just not fun anymore

but I can't let it go

it's something I need

and I hate myself for it

ever since I've called Clinton it's been lurking in the back of my mind

and I've tried not to think about it

but I can't ignore it anymore

but I can't stop either

and I fucking hate myself

I took something beautiful and perverted it

and I can't stop

it won't change

I've stopped worrying about what my band is going to sound like

or where we're going to play

I only worry about how I can write as much as possible

how I can make it as me-oriented as possible

how I can get credit

it's disgusting

I'm a horrible person

I wish I could quit

just put down my guitar and focus on something else

but I won't

because for all that I've turned it into I still love music

and as innocent as I wish it was the craving is still there

the need for validation

the need to be hailed as a genius so that I can say: "SEE! SEE! I AM GOOD AT SOMETHING! I'M NOT THE NOBODY THAT ALL THE GIRLS TURNED DOWN AND ALL THE GUYS LAUGHED AT! I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU!"

I have to be able to say that

because if I can't; it means they were right

and I won't let them be right

but they must be;

because I'm disgusting

I hate myself

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