A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"Unhappy Birthday" 2003-10-15 - 3:54 a.m.

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I'm starting to feel kinda bitter again

mainly it's my birthday

I received four presents

and a decent amount of money; although not as much as I used to get

it's slipping through my fingers like sand

gas here, smokes there; a couple CDs and poof: practically gone

I don't know

birthdays are starting to become more depressing than happy

so I'm 19 now

huzzah

it doesn't mean anything

I haven't earned any new rights

but I am one year closer to wasting my life

I had hoped to be gone by now

my whole life I expected to be out of my house by the time I turned 19

but oh-no; things don't go the way I planned and bang: 19, still in the same situation I was at 17

except I don't see my friends as much; and I don't have to put up with high school anymore

and all that means is that the pressure to get a job is even higher and I have nothing to do

all day I've had that line from that John Lennon/Beatles[I forget which] song:

"he blew his mind out in a car"

everything just seems so pointless

everything is just stuff I have to do to keep from failing

and not doing it is boring

even music seems like something I have to do

I have to get my band together, I have to write the music; I have to make sure things go the way I want them to

and film-making seems so far off as to be nonexistant

and love...

it all seems so complicated all of a sudden

there's so much I have to do before it'll be fun

and it's so far away

could drugs be the answer?

irrelevant; I can't afford them

whenever I thought of doing drugs, I always thought of it as a form of self-abuse

when I got depressed and thought about doing heroin; it wasn't so that I could get high and not feel bad

it was so I would hurt myself by being addicted and all the shit that goes with that

the getting high seemed like the drawback

the price I would have to pay to hurt myself

but now I look at my life and wonder: why not get high?

it might be something I could enjoy

but it's all just theory

just another daydream to keep myself from thinking about life

because I can't afford to use drugs

and that's the bottom line

I'm struggling just to keep myself smoking

I can't afford to blow a few hundred bucks on a small amount of some drug-of-choice

it's been forever since I've seen even a hundred bucks

I don't know

if I go to sleep maybe I'll wake up and my life will seem worth living again

I'll be able to see the reason I go through this

the goal I work toward

because right now, I can't see it

He Blew His Mind Out In A Car

Sweet Dreams

I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday

because you're evil

and you lie

and if you should die

I may feel slightly sad

(but I won't cry)

Loved and lost

and some may say

when usuallly its Nothing

surely you're happy

it should be this way?

I say "No, I'm gonna kill my dog"

"May the lines sag heavy

and deep tonight "

I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday

because you're evil

and you lie

and if you should die

I may feel slightly sad

(But I won't cry)

Loved and lost

and some people say

when usually its Nothing

surely you're happy

it should be this way?

I said "No"

and then I shot myself

so, drink, drink, drink

and be ill tonight

from.... the one you left behind

from the one you left behind

behind

Oh unhappy birthday

behind

-Unhappy Birthday

The Smiths

why not?

�