"My Gift of Selfish Rage" 2003-08-27 - 4:18 a.m.

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I'm feeling really bitter lately

not necessarily depressed,

well, to phrase it better: not all depressed

but mostly just resentful

that nobody likes me anymore

I'm in a "fine, I don't fucking need you!" mood; so I'm not feeling lonely

but I am feeling: "fine, I don't fucking need you!"-ish

I've been trying to dance around it and just say: "nobody calls me" and vague shit like that becuase I don't want to upset anyone

but I don't think anyone I would be upsetting reads this anymore

Evan devoted the majority of his entry tonight to how he's putting Stephanie up at the top of his list and how things are going well between them(I'm assuming)

[Goddamnit! I can't even be angry; I always have to put in the little: "well, it's probably something else and I'm overreacting" and "I'm probably wrong" and shit like that; Goddamnit]

and I just couldn't help but be pissed

and jealous

[see!]

'cause let's be honest

all the shit that happened with them and they can just come back and be close again

because they're like family

but I just wasn't good enough for her, I guess

I was never as close to her as Evan was

all the shit she talked behind his back

of course, I can only imagine what she said about me

because she must've

but the real reason I'm angry is:

if those guys were to place me on their favorites list according to where our friendship was

I'd be off it

not just those two either

it's everyone

everyone I used to know just got tired of me, I guess

of course I have to make the exception of Robyn, who still reads this and Jill, who keeps prodding me to hang out with her

but everyone else seems to dislike me

Jinx and Misty thought I was hitting on them all the time

(and were disgusted enough to not want to see me anymore)

Cody was pissed I wasn't hitting on him enough

(or, you know, at all)

and I guess I was just too fucking boring for everyone else

and I realize that I'm more than just a little to blame for the detarioration of the various friendships

that's why I'm not just outright calling everyone mean names

and really, I have no defense for myself

I was too socially inept to be as good of a friend as I could've been

and so I guess that wasn't enough for them

and now I spend my days playing videogames when I can afford to rent them and occassionally going to the mall just to stop myself from going insane

and waiting for my mom to get me a job stocking shelves at night at Wal Mart

because I can't find a fucking job on my own

and now I'm angry at myself

Goddamnit

I wish I could get out of here

I wish I had found a job last fucking year when I was trying to and had enough money together to just blow this fucking town and never look back

I wish I could've gone to college right out of high school

for that matter, I wish I'd finished high school on time

I'm such a fucking loser

can't I do anything?

I can't make or keep friends; I can't find a job; I can't even do my schoolwork

and I can't even write decent diary entries

instead of making things entertaining to read I just sit and fucking whine for twenty minutes

God Damnit

Sweet Fucking Dreams

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