"untitled" 2003-08-20 - 2:51 a.m.

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why do I have to suck at everything I do?

I want to be a musician; but I can't write music

my inspirations are guys like J Mascis, Jerry Cantrell and Doug Martsch; guys who can write these amazing songs and these astounding guitar melodies

and I can't even write anything that could pass as music

I want to be a comic book artist; but I can't draw

sure, I'm pretty decent; but I'm nowhere near good enough to do it professionally

I want to direct movies, but I'm probably going to suck at that too

why can't I be good at anything?

how come some people can be talented and even after I try and get good at playing and aping others and learn what I'm doing, I still suck?

what's wrong with me?

and even worse, I wasn't even depressed about that to begin with

I felt so bad because no one likes me

and it feels like not only does everyone not like me; but they actively dislike me

like whenever they talk about me or think about me they say: "that douchebag Brett" "he sucked to hang around with" "I hope he doesn't call me"

what's wrong with me?

am I really that boring?

am I really that bad of a person?

it's a horrible feeling

and then I go to write a song about it

and I just can't

it's all garbage

so is everything else I've written

I wrote one good song,

one

and that was probably the fluke

I'm never going to amount to anything

I'm gonna get some shit job and end up living the rest of my life alone with no friends

if I had the balls I'd kill myself

damnit

why am I such a fucking waste of space?

how come I can't do anything?

I fucking hate asking questions

sitting here and saying "why?" this and "why?" that

but it's all I've got

I wish I were dead

I hope I've got some kind've cancer and I die in my sleep

I can't stand myself

I can't stand my life

why?