"Twoday" 2003-07-23 - 3:18 a.m.

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I had jury duty today

it was 5 hours of solid boredom

worse than school even

anyway, I didn't get selected, got to go home at twelve

true to my insomniac nature I didn't get any sleep last night, so when I got home I slept 'til seven

not much happened once I woke up

and so I want to talk about deep stuff(for a change)

everyone around me(relatively speaking) seems to be depressed lately

and I haven't been

in truth I feel kinda pretentious,

having an all-black layout; putting that depressing-type-stuff on my profile,

and then in here I ramble about horror movies and the weight of my readers

it's not like I don't get depressed anymore

I'm still pretty fucked up

and there's a lot of things clawing away inside me

but lately I just haven't been focusing on it

see, I met someone on the internet

we don't have one of them online relationships;

we're just friends

but she's really brought alot to my life

the way things were all my friends were depressed all the time,

and they never really saw me that often

leaving me feeling alone and depressed from the last time I saw them

but now I talk to her just about as much as I do my "real" friends

which is sad because she lives half a country away

but she makes me feel good

and she's given me hope that there is an outside world

this doesn't make much sense; but she's given me the feeling that even if we never actually meet in person, there'll always be someone out there for me

you may think that with all the moving I've done in my life I would've realized that of course there was more to the world than the little town you live in,

but what I mean is; I've always been here,

at home

with my family

and no matter where we go it's always the same place, just in a new setting

it's always home

and this girl I met has given me the realization that there really is something beyond that

there's something more than what I've got now

not to say that my world revolves around her,

but she's played a big part in making me not feel like shit

and it's hard to say what I want to say without ending up pointing a finger at someone else

someone here

but what can I say?

it seems like nothing I say gets noticed except the negative

and I've never learned how to say "fuck you" without burning the bridge,

but I'm trying hard not to just focus on one person anymore

I'm a long way from making new friends

or changing anything

or getting a girlfriend

or the solutions to any of my problems

but I'm getting a little stronger

and I'm getting a little closer

and maybe I'm learning

and maybe I'm not

but right now I'd rather think I am than just lay down and think nothing will ever change

so whatever

let's not think about it, let's just walk and see where the road takes us

Sweet Dreams

dreaming, dreaming of a girl like me

hey what are you waiting for - feeding, feeding me

I feel like I'm disappearing - getting smaller every day

but I look in the mirror - I'm bigger in every way

she said:

you aren't never going anywhere

you aren't never going anywhere

I ain't never going anywhere

I ain't never going anywhere

I'm in heaven now - I can see you Richard

goodbye Hollywood, goodbye downey - hello Janis

hello Dennis, Elvis - and all my brand new friends

I'm so glad you're all here with me, until the very end

dreaming, dreaming of how it's supposed to be

but now this tunic's spinning - around my arms and knees

I feel like I'm disappearing - getting smaller every day

but when I open my mouth to sing - I'm bigger in every way

she said:

you aren't never going anywhere

you aren't never going anywhere

I ain't never going anywhere

I ain't never going anywhere

hey mom! look I'm up here - I finally made it

I'm playing the drums again too

don't be sad - the band doesn't sound half bad

and I remember mom, what you said

you said honey - you look so under-fed

[background voices singing various covers]

another green salad, another ice tea

there's a tunic in the closet waiting just for me

I feel like I'm disappearing - getting smaller every day

but I look in your eyes - and I'm bigger in every way

she said:

you aren't never going anywhere

you aren't never going anywhere

I ain't never going anywhere

I ain't never going anywhere

goodbye Richard - gotta go now

I'm finally on my own - but Dan's got a gig

keep the love lights glowing - little girl's got the blues

I can still hear momma say: "honey don't let it go to your head"

-Tunic(Song for Karen)

Sonic Youth

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