"It's a Bad Bad Bad Bad Movie" 2003-07-16 - 4:55 a.m.

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my friends,

I have just seen a movie so bad

that I absolutely need to share it with you

it defies logic

OK, it was on Full Moon Fright Night

and it was obviously after the show started to suck

so let's go, shall we?

it was called "Prison of the Dead"

the opening credits start off over little moving frames of a surface that were obviously inspired by the CD casing of The Downward Spiral by Nine Inch Nails

later on they have skulls with eyes and other such nasty things

but rather than put in some NIN-sounding music, they put in this awful techno/elevator music that sounds terrible

it doesn't mesh at all

and right there, I should've known, and stopped watching

but William Shatner said it was a zombie movie,

and you know how I am with those

so the movie proper starts with these friends in a limo

they're on their way to a funeral home for a private viewing of a friend of theirs who's died

they're a bunch of spoiled semi-goth rich kids into "the paranormal"

think preppies who wear all-black

it's bizarre

but regardless, we can tell that the leader, Cristoph, is a real asshole

he's an absolute jerk

it made me wonder why they would even be friends with him

so the friends arrive at the "funeral home"

but instead of a building in the city

it's a decaying old castle OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

this is the first in a long series of things that'll make you feel like you've been punched in the brain because they're so stupid

no mention is ever made that this is out of the ordinary, or odd in any way

meaning that the people who made the movie expected you, the viewer, to think that this was common(or later: sensical)

which is why it feels like you've been punched in the brain

so the friends go to the room with the coffin, say a few words

and when one of the friends puts their hand on the "decased"'s shoulder,

he reveals he's very much alive, and it was all a prank pulled by him and Cristoph

Cristoph's dad owns a super-market tabloid or some such thing, and he bought the place as a promotion

see, it actually was a funeral home back in The Day

but it was built on top of some real-bastard-puritan prison that tortured suspected heretics

and there's a door there that supposedly contains all the evil of the place

or something, I don't know, it was hard to follow the "logic" of the movie

but apparently one of the executioners who worked there when it was still a prison was buried with the key, and Cristoph's dad's promotion is that he's going to bring tourist out there to try and dig up the body of the executioner so that they can find the key

the person who finds it gets a million dollars

anyway, Cristoph borrowed it for a prank and here we are

now, the five friends have been followed here by a group of three friends, lead by another asshole prick who wants to scare Cristoph

because Cristoph slept with his girlfriend

now, Cristoph and the other leader guy are such colossal assholes that I was surprised they weren't friends

OK, so next Cristoph pulls out a Ouji board

...because he's a prick, I don't know

like I said, the "logic"(if there was any stronger form of quotation marks I'd be using them) in this movie is hard to follow at best

and as he does, we see a statue start to bleed(and that thing gushes) out in the courtyard

the blood goes down underground, and lands on the face of one of the worst "zombie" costumes I've ever seen

so as the cannon-fodder, err... friends, plays Ouji; three "corpses" with $3 Halloween costumes come out of the ground

apparently they were the executioners, because they were buried with giant scythes

!!

oh yeah, and they have "glowing red eyes" that were obviously super-imposed later because the glowing doesn't actually sync-up with their eyes

anyway, the Sensitive Girl(there's always one) freaks out and starts chanting in tongues during the Ouji(game? session?)

for some reason this causes Cristoph and the "corpse" from earlier to leave to the other room

where they argue over something, and they come very close to kissing several times

I was surprised and almost impressed that they didn't

and "surprise"!, the "corpse" is a dick too!

while those two are off arguing, the other guy and girl who are supposed to be watching the still-in-a-trance Sensitive Girl reveal that they're actually pricks too

the Other Girl snorts some coke

and the Other Guy starts hitting on her

now, when I say "hitting on her" I mean absolutely beating her senseless(I'm talking about flirting, but I needed a metaphor to show how insanely strong he's coming on)

and of course, she's not interested

so Other Guy forces a kiss on her

and that changes her mind, so they ditch their duties of watching Sensitive Girl('cause they're pricks, remember?) and go off to fuck

now, remember those three other victims, err... characters that were going to try and scare Cristoph?

well, first I should mention that the group of five look like they're out of college and in the career field

the group of three look like they're in high school(although, admittedly seniors)

but the leader of the g.o.t. mentions that they're all in college

anyway; the g.o.t. decide it's time to split, and the leader sends the guy off to get the truck

I was flipping to MTV because All Things Rock was on, but it's quite obvious he never made it to the truck

after more meaningless shenanigans,

we go back to the g.o.t.(now group of two) and the girl's face distorts for a second(the signal for possession) and she does the little chant-o'-the-possessed

so the leader brow-beats her a little, and then just leaves her there(cause he's a prick, remember?)

seconds later an executioner comes up and slits her throat

there's a few more shenanigans, and then two executioners descend on Sensitive Girl, who's still sitting all tranced in the one hallway,

and proceed to murder her

now honestly, this came close to surprising me, as I had her pegged for the heroine

(9 times out of 10 the Sensitive Girl is; especially if she's the only sympathetic character. Which this one was)

now we go to Other Guy and Other Girl, they were fooling around but not fucking yet, and Other Guy is hogging all of Other Girl's coke

so Other Girl gets pissed off and goes to the bathroom

once there her face gets distorts for a second and she does the Chant-O'-the-Possessed, and then she comes back and gets to fuckin'

apparently Other Guy realizes something's wrong, because he says the absolutely wonderful line:

"I've never fucked a zombie before, is this going to hurt?"

but that doesn't stop him from proceeding

maybe you're supposed to think it was the cocaine; but personally I chalk it up to absolute-shit writing

I want to stop for a second because I don't think I'm communicating just how bad this movie is

I don't have a specific example because I want to get on with the "review"; but I just wanted to remind you that this movie would make Ed Wood cringe

anyway, there's more hijinx as "the corpse" from earlier goes looking for Sensitive Girl, and he finds the room with the coffins from earlier

he goes to open them, but sadly, none of them contain actual corpses

before he can open one that does an executioner comes up from behind him and takes care of him

now we go back to the Other Couple

Other Guy finishes and goes to the bathroom, while an executioner does in Other Girl

Other Guy comes back and has just enough time to see the body "hidden" against the opposite wall before he's gone too

now we go back to Cristoph, who has been bitching at the limo driver on his cell phone all this time

the leader of the other group comes in and starts to threaten to beat the shit out of him

so Cristoph hangs up the cell phone and then congratulates the guy on his "performance"

THEY ACTUALLY WERE FRIENDS!

[Ow! My intelligence]

they talk for a bit, and although they never kiss, the movie does finally reveal that yes, Cristoph is gay

anwyay, the two go look for the others so they can leave

they go back to the coffin room and find "the corpse" back in the coffin, now actually a corpse

Cristoph does the usual "OK, joke's over" routine; and then they just move on and say they'll come back to get him once they find the others

apparently they aren't too comitted to finding the others, because they promptly go back to the room Cristoph was in for most of the movie

they talk a bit more, and then the lights go out

Other Leader's face distorts, and then once possessed he finally explains what the fuck has been going on

apparently the spirits possessing our Walking Spam are the ghosts of the people who were tortured and killed in the place back when it was still a prison. Cristoph woke them up with his Ouji-jiggery pokery

[yes! I finally got to use that word! Score!]

and now they're trying to escape

the executioners woke up to stop them

plus the executioners want Cristoph dead because he woke up the ghosts

this doesn't explain why the ghosts just stand around and wait to be executed again once they possess a victim,

but none of this movie has made sense, why start now?

anyway, an executioner has stepped in, and promptly ices Possessed Other Leader

Cristoph flees the room, and winds up back in the coffin room

here he finds Corpse Boy, who is up and walking again

he does the usual "'come on, let's get ouf of here' and then gets attacked" routine

now, at this point I'm thinking: "Cristoph's the only one left, but there's no way he can be the hero; he's an asshole!"

now, to be fair, everyone in this movie was an asshole except for Sensitive Girl

and she got possessed early on, so it's hard to say if she would've turned into an asshole too

but, they do hint that Cristoph has taken a lot of shit from his father, and is the only one who has convictions

meaning that of the assholes, he's the only one with any sympathetic qualities

but that's not to say he deserves to be the hero in any way

now, back to the story

Cristoph and Corpse Boy get in a fight, and to be fair it's actually decent

of course it could just be that the rest of the movie was so bad that this scene looked good by comparison; but whatever

anyway, after getting the shit beat out of him, Cristoph eventually knocks Corpse Boy back into the coffin;

he then proceeds to pick up a stick(with a blunt end) and drive it into Corpse Boy's chest

this causes Corpse Boy to spew up a mouthfull of black liquid, so Cristoph does it again

and again

and again

...and again

he seriously does it far too many times, especially considering that the executioners are theoretically still chasing him

just then another coffin opens, revealing The Girl from the other group, so Cristophs takes care of her with just one stab

then more coffins open,

so Cristoph drops the only weapon he has and runs off

to be fair, the corpses coming out of the coffins and shambling after him is the only thing that looks zombie-like about the movie

and it does that well

but it only lasts about five seconds

anway, Cristoph locks himself in that hallway from earlier

and there's a vain attempt at a nice sequence as the possessed zombies impersonate his friends from the other side of the door

saying that it was all a joke, and he kind've hurt Corpse Boy by impaling him all those times, and that he should open the door so they can call 911 on his cell phone

[to be fair, the scene is actually better than I just described it, but not by much]

Cristoph over-acts being all conflicted, despite the fact that no one in their right mind could possibly think his friends were still alive after what he saw

and when he turns them down, they break through the door

and the executioners come up from behind him

Cristoph runs through the executioners, dodging their scythes

then he grabs the key off the last one

[remember that?]

then he runs back through them to one side of the hall that has a door

and he puts the key in

!!!

now, if this door supposedly contained all this evil, would you really be trying to open it, especially if you had just run past all your attackers and could've gotten out?

so, in-keeping with the lack of sense of the movie, once the door is opened it sucks all the zombies and the executioners inside, and then closes

Cristoph stumbles outside to the gate where the limo driver is waiting

then the limo driver asks him: "That joke you were telling me you were going to play on your friends? How did that work out?"

The End

This movie was horrible

at first I was forgiving, trying to give it a chance

then I hated it,

then it grew on me

until by the end I was enjoying it so much that I think that may be one of the best(worst) closing lines ever

you have to be a real Crap Afficionado to enjoy this one, though

it was horrible

I'm really tired, so I didn't do justice to just how bad this movie was,

an interesting thought, though

is that as you watch it, you get the feeling that the idea that started this all was:

"Hey, what if we could mix Evil Dead with Cruel Intentions?"

now, while that idea has potential(as all ideas do)

send it through Full Moon pictures and you get "Prison of the Dead"

this movie was so far beyond bad I find myself comparing it to an Ed Wood movie

Ed Wood movies are like the pinnacle of bad-ness

it's like a quote from the old X-Men cartoon show on Fox

to paraphrase: "Ed Wood Movies are as far beyond Bad Movies, as they are beyond Real Movies"

I'm sure the comparison(to this film) has Ed Wood rolling over in his grave

...actually, if there's any justice in the world; Ed Wood has dug himself out of his grave and is going to devour the people at Full Moon who made this movie

Sweet Dreams

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