"Anger and Heat" 2003-07-11 - 4:04 a.m.

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things have been awkward around here

well, in theory anyway

Monday night I had a fight with my mom

I mentioned it briefly in here

first she yelled at me for not telling my sister where I was going

and then she yelled at me for not working on my government fast enough

and she let it slip that it's "making her look bad"

I got angry, and said(exactly): "can we have this discussion later?"

and she said(exactly): "OK"

and she went back to her room and I locked myself in my room the rest of the night

and we haven't talked since

now, honestly, to me "can we have this discussion later?" meant: "leave me alone and let's not talk about this ever again"

but I figured she'd really want to discuss it later

so she hasn't talked to me all week

and tonight during dinner we didn't even look at eachother

I'm more surprised than anything

honestly I don't know if she's mad at me or she just thinks I'm mad at her

because honestly(again) I really don't care

yeah, that bothers me;

but it's not like I really thought my mother really cared that much about me in the first place

she cares about what she wants me to be, but not me

and the fact that the whole reason she cares about that at all is because she's worried about how it makes her mothering skills look;

doesn't change a whole lot

you can't really lessen something already at the bottom(for lack of a better[or any] expression)

at most I'm just planning to use it to weasel money out of her to get me to "forget" she said it

but if she doesn't pay me the hush money I do intend to throw it in her face every time we argue

of course if she's mad at me then I doubt it'll work

but fuck it

it's kinda nice not having my mom bugging me all the damn time

anyway

in other news

it's HOT here

well... that's not true

they haven't made up a word to describe how hot it is here

"hot" falls utterly short

no matter how much emphasis you put on it

I mean, it's "I can't believe everything's not on fire" hot

it's "at what temperature do human beings start to melt, because *heh heh* I'm seriously getting worried" hot

it's "wait, the mountains actually are on fire" hot

I had my window open, my fan(pointed directly at me from three feet away) on high, the swamp cooler on high, I was wearing shorts; and it still felt sooooooo hot

and that's inside

if you go outside, even just for a moment, you come back inside sweating like you'd been playing sports all day

it's around 110 degrees out there

and when I say "around" I mean that I only glanced at a thermometer once, and I don't remember if it was closer to 105 or 115

but suffice to say

it's literally beyond hot

I have no idea how I'm going to sleep tonight

shit

Sweet Dreams