"Side" 2003-06-24 - 4:07 a.m.

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tonight feels weird

there's two people I care about very much

one I sort of know

the other I know too well

deceit and vagary were never my strong suit, you know who you are

...although I wonder if either of you know who the other is...

...but for myself I don't think I can come out and say it

they both mean so much to me

more than words could ever say

I just want to give my all to both of them

but I can't

and since I'm a jackass I can't just realize that I can't give my all to either of them, and there's absolutely no reason I can't just have both of them in my life

I've always done this

with everything I don't have to choose between but make myself think I do;

playing bass or guitar is a perfect example

there's no consequences; nothing putting any pressure on me, and no reason I can't have both

but I put pressure on myself to choose

and I can't

there's no reason for any of it other than just to torture myself

but I'll do it

as long as I'm able to think

by now any of you reading this know my fixation with Silent Hill

how I tend to use that setting as the backdrop for visualizations of my feelings and relationships

and if any of you have played the game you know that that place exists solely to torture the wayward souls who are drawn there

fitting, eh?

but regardless, these days when my mind wanders I have waking-nightmares of falling asleep; and when I wake up I'm in Silent Hill

and there's a note written in blood telling me that one of these people is in one place

and the other's in another

and I can only save one of them

and I don't want to go further than that

because I can't bear the thought of losing either of them

but I always do

and I know that when it comes down to it

I'll always pick the same one

every time

and even though it's a completely impossible situation in my head

it hurts

becuase I hurt one by picking the other

and I'm not sure if the other wants to be picked

...

I didn't start out the night like this

I started out the night feeling at peace

I went up on my roof for a smoke and I stared at the stars

and they were so beautiful

for some reason you could see them all so perfectly

and you know how usually the sky looks flat, like one big surface with the stars smattered accross it?

well tonight it looked deep, like a big pool filled with stars

and that I could just lift off of my roof and go swimming amongst the stars above my house

but then it came to me beating myself up over something that I made up that's so completely impossible

I'm probably going to end up writing another damn song tonight

another slow one

...

I just need something to feel guilty for

I have to have some sin on my shoulders to atone for

even if I'm the only one who knows or even cares about it

...yeah, at this point I'm almost sure I'm going to be writing another damn song

damnit

...You Know Who You Are

Sweet Dreams

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