"Queen of the Rodeo" 2003-05-19 - 3:04 a.m.

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you know what's a pain in the ass?

songwriting

inspiration is so hard to find

I got a good half of a song written that sounded really good but I didn't like what it was about

I'm probably overthinking everything

like I always do

and thinking about it led me to thinking about how I always whine about how I want to play in a grunge band; but the stuff I write doesn't sound very grunge

out of the two songs I've written[not counting works in progress] that I'm actually satisfied enough with to continue playing; neither of them really sound like any band or type of music

and even though that's kind of what I was going for

the shallow part of me is still kind of wanting to fit into my favorite musical genre

I don't know

I needed to shower today so that I could give the appearance of cleanliness when I continued my job search, and my hair ended up gigantic

lately it's been big and nasty and curly and I look like I'm a member of Def Leppard

and it's really giving me serious thought about cutting my hair

in another moment of extreme shallowness I've been debating cutting my hair so I can look like the strapping young lads in Joy Division; and the fact that my hair has been looking like shit recently along with the fact that it always looks like shit when it's long is making me wonder wether it's really that shallow

bah but enough of this crap

lately my family has been talking about graduation

I have a cousin that's the same age as me; only off by a couple months

and he's graduating this wednesday

he's going off to boot camp, and going into the air force

and I'm not

and even though I don't feel the least bit of remorse about the air force thing

although I'm going to have fun giving him crap about his callsign

but I'm starting to get depressed about the not walking with my class thing

I mean, my friends and my cousin are walking up there; their families are going to there, and all proud and clapping

they'll have pictures of themselves in the cap and gown that they'll put on their desk or wall or somewhere

and I won't be

I'll be sitting at home watching the Law & Order season finale

my cousin is graduating Wednesday, in a big ceremony and then going away to college

I'm going to graduate whenever I finish the correspondance, I'm going to go into the administration office at CDO and have my diploma handed to me by some bitter old woman, I'll probably be wearing my Ramones t-shirt

then I'm going to hang around Tucson for a year before I go off to college

it's really making me feel like a loser

like the wastoid family member who has long hair and wears dirty clothes and flannel and lives with his parents talking about how "the band is gonna make it someday"

I desperately don't want to be that guy

if I can get in a band that succeeds I'm the anti-establishment rock star

if I can't then I'm just another nobody with a wasted life

if I can make it to college then I'm one step closer to avoiding that path

one big step

but deep down I'm so scared that I'm gonna end up like that

and I can't seem to do anything to change that

and about the graduation I don't know wether to blame the Crohn's for making me drop out in the first place

myself for taking four damn months to finish the one course

or the school for telling me I have to take two full year courses when I only had two months left

but for me, the buck will always stop with myself

and I'm the one to blame for this

I'm the reason I'm not gonna get to walk with my class

and I'm the reason I'm dissapointed with myself

and I'm the reason I'm fighting not to end up as human waste

and I don't know why I expect others to really care what I think, or feel, or say

Sweet Dreams

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