"Atrocity Exhibition" 2003-05-17 - 2:20 a.m.

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tonight sucked

first Evan ditched my ass when it came to the Lifeblood show[a local band]

I've been looking forward to it ever since he mentioned it Tuesday

a chance to see a band play, maybe meet some other musicians, hang out with Evan; and at least get out of the house

but noooo

that prick

I called his house and annoyed his family a bunch of times before I finally gave up

but that bastard must've been hanging out with his other friends from right out of school

and he didn't have his cell phone

not that he would've called me anyway

but it sucks

I should've known better than to trust Evan

but he actually seemed to want to hang out with me again

I fucking hate people

everyone

lately my tradition of being the one who fucks things up has been reversed,

and all my "friends" are the ones dumping on me

my old line of "Remember I will always love you, as I claw your fucking throat away; it will end no other way"

has been replaced with "every one I know goes away in the end"

damnit

then there was a personal defeat tonight

[I'm now going to spend a lot of time in "Game Geek" mode, so unless you're really bored or a gamer yourself; I would skip to the asterisks]

I sat down to a three hour session of Silent Hill, and finally beat the game

I'm mildly proud of myself for not consuming lots of space in my diary this time around like I did for Silent Hill 2,

but it's a small consolation

this time I got a bad ending

and it sucked

the ending was kinda lame(because it was bad)

and I'm pissed at myself for letting that happen

afterwords I checked an online strategy guide to see what I missed, and I missed an entire little sub-quest that probably would've consumed about a half hour to an hour because there was no reason for me to go to the building that would've started it

there was nothing marked on the map; no dialogue or sound[ie - a gunshot or something] indications that I should've gone there

nothing

and so I ran right by it

and then I get a bad ending 'cause I missed it

Goddamnit

plus I had to consult that strategy guide twice during the game to help me with puzzles

damnit

I'm supposed to be smart

puzzles are the part I'm good at

they're my forte

and I even died once

I don't think I died during the second one at all

to be fair what got me was this lame fucking trap, I didn't die in battle

but it's a matter of pride

and I'm pissed at myself for walking into it

damnit

to the game's credit it was pretty damn cool

but I'd expect nothing less from Silent Hill

there's this one part where you meet this girl

the game kind of centers around the hospital, and she's a nurse(I want to say the head nurse, because the zombie nurses you run into are all wearing blue or green sweaters over their uniform while she's wearing a red one; but I'm not sure) there

and you only ever run into her in the Silent Hell version of the hospital

she tells you things and advances the plot, and is generally nice

but around the end of the game she leaves the room that she's been cowering in the whole time

and as you get to the final section where the doors you walk into lead into different places all over town; and things are different than the last times you were there

you run into her again in this final room

and she says she knows why she's still there

and things to that effect

then she begs you to stay with her, and goes to hug you

but you push her away and she stumbles into a wall[she's acting really wierd and I think she's supposed to be looking really sick; but that's still kind of a jerk thing to do]

then it cuts to this cinema where really sad music is playing, and blood starts to drip down from her forehead, then her nose

and then blood just starts gushing out of her and completely coating her, and she starts to stumble toward you

you run out of the room, slam the door behind you, and press your back against it like Ash in Evil Dead

behind her you can hear her banging on the door, crying, and calling your name

you just kind of stand there until the noises stop

the sad music continues for a while

this scene is a combination of emotions

I think it was supposed to show how much of a "regular guy" Harry is[something they tried to make one of the selling points of the game] and that he's not perfect

and even though you have to admit that when she started shambling towards you while blood was flowing all over her, you would probably run

when he first shoves her still kind of seems a little much

the zombie transformation itself is pretty cool, with the blood running down her; it looks pretty neat

but combined with the sad music they play, and what's really going on in that whole segment,

it comes off as really, really sad

I actually almost cried

as usual I'm sure my lame description didn't do it justice

but overall, it was hard to get into the story of this one

in Silent Hill 2, James would mention that he was looking for his wife every five minutes to every character he ran into

sometimes he would even yell it at the monsters before he killed them

and when you came into town you knew exactly where you were going, and all your little tribulations were to get to certain destinations

it was easy to "get into character"

but in this one, Harry doesn't really get a lot of solid character development, and you just kind of wander around town looking for your daughter and doing missions for Dahlia, you don't really seem to have your heart in the search for Cheryl

overall I liked Silent Hill 2 a lot more

the story was better

and James was a much better character

Even if he did let that little bitch Laura live

Silent Hill has a broader story[Silent Hill 2's focuses completely on James and his personal matters; and offers no explanation of or resolution to the plight of the town], but really the only thing it's got over Silent Hill 2 is Lisa

in Silent Hill 2 there aren't any sympathetic characters

the only other characters you meet are a serial killer, that evil little girl, the evil hallucination variation of your wife you created, a mysterious woman who doesn't like you very much, and Pyramid Head

in Silent Hill you've got Cybil and Lisa, and to a lesser extent Alessa(even if she does turn into the final boss)

and the transformation of Lisa into a zombie is a real twist that is genuinely saddening

but overall Silent Hill still pales in comparison to Silent Hill 2

the sad thing is that maybe if I got a better ending I wouldn't be looking down on it so much

but regardless I still think Silent Hill 2 is the better game

****

after that I went to go to the bathroom and I found a damn wasp in there

as I've mentioned a few times in here before I have a phoebia of bees and wasps

at first I wasn't sure if it was a wasp or one of them king ants or something

so I took this candle-holder thingy my mom has in there and smashed it against the top of the medicine cabinet

[my house has this wierd little thin medicine cabinet that sticks out under the mirror rather than being behind it; it's made of metal with little sliding plastic things on the front for the opening]

I ground it down for a few seconds, and even dragged it along the surface

but when I lifted the thing, sure enough the damn wasp flew out, and now I had an angry wasp in my damn bathroom

luckily instead of attacking me[which would've caused me to run screaming out of my hosue like a little girl], it just buzzed angrily around the mirror

so I ran and got some bug spray and gassed the thing

and true to wasp form, it took forever to die

at first it just seemed annoyed, then it started to struggle and weave, then it finally fell on top of the medicine cabinet

I kept spraying until there was pretty much a white puddle of bug spray around the wasp

but the damn thing just rolled around in it, stinging up at the air

watching it was half amazing and frightening[because it was taking so long to die and because of my phoebia]; and half sad

because here's this bug dying a slow and probably painful death, rolling and flailing around, thrusting it's stinger out trying to ward off this attacker it can't even see

or maybe it was even trying to kill itself to end it all

it started thrusting its stinger higher and higher until it was curling up and thrusting towards itself

and when it finally died it was after one powerful thrust that looked like it connected

one situation denotes an animal ignorance,

and the other denotes an intelligance that you wouldn't think a wasp would have

I like the first situation because I'm scared enough of wasps without thinking that they're really smart as well

either way it's kind of disturbing

bah

an interesting night either way

I want to go to bed and hope that tomorrow doesn't suck

*snicker*

Sweet Dreams

The silence when doors open wide

Where people could pay to see inside

For entertainment they watch

his body twist

Behind his eyes he says I still exist

This is the way, step inside

This is the way, step inside

This is the way, step inside

This is the way, step inside

In arenas he kills for a prize

Wins a minute to add to his life

But the sickness is drowned

by cries for more

Pray to God make it quick - watch him fall

This is the way, step inside

This is the way, step inside

This is the way, step inside

This is the way, step inside

This is the way

This is the way

This is the way

This is the way

This is the way, step inside

You'll see the horrors of a far-away place

Meet the architects of law

face to face

See mass murder on a scale

you've never seen

And all the ones who tried hard

to succeed

This is the way, step inside

This is the way, step inside

This is the way, step inside

This is the way, step inside

And I picked on the whims of

a thousand more

Still pursuing the path

that's been buried

For years of dead woods and jungles and

cities on fire, can't replace

or relate,

can't release or repair -

take my hand,

and I'll show you what was - it will be.

-Atrocity Exhibition

Joy Division