"Not You Again" 2003-04-18 - 3:35 a.m.

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I feel like I should write an entry now just because I said earlier that I'd write one later, and now it's later

honestly nothing new has really happened

last night me and Steph got together at Wilson like we haven't in so long

I really don't like making her play therapist for me but lately I've been so fucked up that I couldn't bring myself to ask her about her problems

I'm all out of advice, I suppose

[which is a seperate issue in that I wish I could say something sage-like to Sindustries to repay all the nice things she's been saying to me lately]

either way I earned a whole new level of respect for Stephanie

she's bordering on Saint-hood in my book

it really makes me wish that much more that I could make her the main character of Freak Scene; but like I said: I've got no choice but to see things from my own perspective

speaking of Freak Scene, I have the overall plot together, and all I have left to do is to get started

I can't wait

and I showed Stephanie my sketchbooks, she said I draw well and fed my ego

which was nice

poor thing's emaciated

but seriously

I got all pissed at how writer's blocked I am, and so I decided to learn a new song

I went to learn "Wicked Little Town" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, which is one of the best movies ever

but I couldn't find it so I learned "Midnight Radio" instead

honestly I like Midnight Radio better; it is my favorite song from the movie, and I had intended to learn it eventually anyway

but I'm kind of dissapointed I didn't learn what I set out to learn

I don't know

things are confusing

I got sick Monday and Tuesday and my confidence is shattered

and even though I know that for the most part I'm better,

I'm beyond paranoid about my stomach;

I mean, I spent months being sick every day, and by all rights I don't know how I got better in the first place

so every time I think about doing anything like getting a job or anything like that, it feels like I'm walking on thin ice

and now that I've gotten sick I don't trust myself to do anything

the smallest pains that I would've passed off a week ago now turn into: "Oh my God, am I gonna be sick?"

which I'm sure is just making it worse

I don't know

I get the new medicine next thursday

but until then every tremor in my intestines is going to cause me to over-react

and since I had planned to go look for a job this week I feel all pressured

my dad actually called the newspaper(I don't know if any of you remember his whole paper route idea), but their office is litterally on the other side of town

[I live on the northern suburbs of town, not far at all from the very edge; the newspaper office is on the southern end of town]

I'm not driving into town and out the other side to see if I can maybe get a job I don't even really want

sure, I've got more, rational reasons for it;

but I don't feel like explaining them now

just because I don't feel like explaining them ever, and whenever I end up explaining them to my dad it's going to be one too many times

bah

I still wish I were dead

Sweet Dreams

Rain

falls

hard

burns

dry

like a dream

or a song

that hits you so hard

that fills you up

and is suddenly gone

breathe

feel

love

give

free

like you know in your soul

like your blood knows the way

from your heart to your brain

knows that you're whole

and you're shinin'

like the brightest star

a transmission

on the Midnight Radio

and you're spinnin'

like a '45 ballerina

dancin' to your

rock and roll

here's to Patty

and Tina

and Yoko

Aretha

and Nona

Nico

and me

and all the strange rock and rollers

y'know you're doin' all right

so hold on to eachother

gotta hold on tonight

and you're shinin'

like the brightest star

a transmission

on the Midnight Radio

and you're spinnin'

your new '45

for the misfits

and the losers

and you know you're rock and rollers

dancin' to your rock and roll

-Midnight Radio

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

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