"Bittersweet Symphony" 2003-04-16 - 3:56 a.m.

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my life is like black and white right now

on one hand I can barely see a reason to live

I think about the state of the world

I think about Stephanie

I think about my life

and I think I'd be better off dead

the only reason I haven't committed suicide by now is that I'm seriously too lazy

I know that sounds dumb as hell but that's the real reason

everything just seems so bad

the world looks like it's ending, Stephanie...

I can't help Stephanie, and my own life just seems so pointless

I can't even muster the will to go into detail

suffice to say there doesn't even seem to be light at the end of the tunnel anymore

"the staircase has one too many steps; I've already started back down"

but on the other hand

ironically enough the only thing that gives me hope anymore is school

I'm enjoying my creative writing class, and now that my stomach feels better I'm wondering wether or not I should go back to trying for college

I think about Olympia, where Nirvana really got started; I think about cold, rainy Washington, and I think about how Bikini Kill actually formed at the school I'd be going to

and the other choice is New York, where the World Famous Ramones are from

two big cities that I can't choose between

the only real dissapointment is that there isn't a film school in New Orleans

but what're you gonna do?

like I said, I'm just trying to decide wether or not it's worth trying

I mean, every logical part of me is saying that I should do it; but right now I'm still 90% focused on suicide

I dont' know

*sigh*

but on the shallow end of things, I'm still trying to decide wether or not to go with guitar and try and play grunge; or go with bass and play punk

now, though, I'm thinking more of a Ramones/Hives type direction rather than Horror Punk

although I'm sure I'd eventually squeeze some of that in there

I think if I did go with the Ramones/Hives type music, I'd want Robyn with me on that;

but the last time I tried to contact her she didn't really reply, so that's a big question mark

and if I went the punk direction it would be easier to find band mates, just because "Punk" [the quotation marks are part of the genre name]is the big thing right now

and it wouldn't be too hard to find people who wanted to play the real thing instead of the crap that's "in" right now

where as it would be a bitch to try and find grunge musicians around here

of course if I move to Seattle...

but that's a whole different issue

and I'm really getting to work on my new comic

it's called "Freak Scene"

[although a good alternate would be "The Young and The Hopeless" like I called things in one entry of this here diary]

the original concept was less reality-based versions of me and Robyn trying to get a band together in the local music scene

but other shit kept coming up and that idea got put on the back-burner of my brain for months and months

and as time wore on I would tweak the concept little by little over time whenever I thought about it

until now I've come to just doing a reality-based account of what went on with my whole little group over the course of last summer to this summer

I've got sketches of all the main people(that I could think of) done, and now I have to go through my diary and pick out the most dramatic events and then meld them together and tweak them a little until I can turn it all into one continuous storyling that'll only last about 3-5 issues(hopefully)

and once I get that done I'm pretty much going to get it started

as I drew the character sketches though, it really occurred to me that Stephanie really is the main character, as all but one or two characters are in the story through their connection to her

but as I've said, this is going to have to be written from my character's point of view just because I experienced all of it through my point of view. It wasn't really my choice.

And I'm not taking any suggestions or help, this is all me and this is my catharsis

another thing I realized as I drew the characters is just how little I meant to all of them

how little impact I left on their lives

now that none of us really talk I bet that probably none of them ever consciously think: "gee, I wonder whatever happened to Brett?"

I remember one or more of my teachers over the years saying: "don't let yourself become a secondary character in your own story"

and it's like: "fuck" because that's what happened, and I couldn't help it

I'm just such a nobody that even the people I'm closest to feel no remorse when I'm gone

that's a good kick in the nuts

I'd like to think "I can change that" or, "I'll be somebody some day"

but nope

that's one of those traits that is just ingrained in me

it's more of who I am than the musician or artist in me

and I can't change that

Sweet Dreams

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

Trying to make ends meet

You're a slave to money then you die

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

You know the one that takes you to the places

where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change

I can't change, I can't change

But I'm here in my mold

I am here in my mold

But I'm a million different people

from one day to the next

I can't change my mold

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray

But tonight I'm on my knees yeah

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah

I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change

I can't change, I can't change

But I'm here in my mold

I am here in my mold

And I'm a million different people

from one day to the next

I can't change my mold

No, no, no, no, no, no, no

I can't change

I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

Trying to make ends meet

Trying to find some money then you die

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

You know the one that takes you to the places

where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change

I can't change, I can't change

But I'm here in my mold

I am here in my mold

And I'm a million different people

from one day to the next

I can't change my mold

No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold

no, no, no, no, no,

I can't change

Can't change my body,

no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

Been down

Ever been down

Ever been down

Ever been down

Ever been down

That you've ever been down

That you've ever been down

-Bittersweet Symphony

The Verve