"untitled" 2003-04-10 - 2:37 a.m.

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I feel so numb

I just spent half an hour on my roof paralyzed

I couldn't move

my limbs wouldn't respond

my eyelids drifted shut

my breathing slowed

but didn't stop

how I wish it had

it's taking all my will just to type this now

I don't know why I'm even bothering

I can't see the point anymore

to anything

I have nothing to live for

I've lost everything

I look at the things that used to keep me alive:

Music

I can't decide what instrument I want to play, what kind of music I want to play, I don't know how I'm going to get a band together once I figure those things out. The whole thing has become a question instead of an answer.

Robyn

We've drifted apart. That's all there is to it. We don't talk anymore. We don't hang out or see eachother. There is no "we" between myself and Robyn anymore.

We'll never go to Summerland.

and Stephanie

it seems like there's two sides to my life now;

my own life

and my relationship with Stephanie

I feel like I'm hurting her just by knowing her

I feel like I'm hurting her every time I talk about her

I feel like I'm hurting her every time I talk to her

and I feel so bad that I can't help her

every time I think about her I feel like I should fall to my knees and apologize

I'm sorry Steph,

I'm so very sorry

I'm sure to all of you this looks like just another one of my depressed entries;

but to me this is more than that

it's taking me a supreme effort of will to push each key down

I have no reason to live

and I just wish I had the strength to end it

I'm sorry everyone

so very sorry

�

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