"No Cigar" 2003-03-28 - 4:29 a.m.

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I've been meaning to update for a few days now

first I was too tired

then I got caught up playing Onimusha 2

then I got caught up reading this novel that took me literally all-night(1 AM to 6 AM)

and tonight I've finally gotten around to it

guess it's 'cause I'm depressed again

I don't know how I manage it

no matter how "up" things are looking, I manage to feel like my life is a pathetic waste

but to be honest, at the moment things may be *looking* up; but they're still down in it

my stomach has gotten much better, and my doctor says that a new medication has been released for IBS

and as great news as that is; to quote Alice: "It's hard to start things over"

now I can get a job, now I can look into starting a band again, now I can go out and meet girls

but I don't know where to start

I didn't before, and now that I've just come off of months where I thought I'd never be able to do those things; I'm completely unprepared

I know that that's not that bad

but I'm one of those "The glass is empty and shattered on the floor" type of people

no matter the situation I can't help but look at it in the worst way possible

it's why I'm such a loser

I don't know

my rambling instincts are telling me to go off on a tangent about why my distorted view gives me so many damn probablems and leads to all the idiosyncrasies of my life;

but that's what I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow

I started my next course in my internet school

and promptly fallen back into old habits

I've only done one assignment this whole week

and the question is no longer "will I be able to walk with my class?", it's: "will I graduate this year?"

if I don't finish by a certain time in May I won't get my diploma until August

blah

I can't even express my reaction in words

I mean, on one hand they decided to wait until I had only two months left to tell me the next two courses I have to take are full-year courses instead of one simester like Economics was

but I would've had more than two months if I hadn't been such a dick about Economics

and I've only got myself to blame about that

and on the last (lame) note of the night:

I'm getting $50 bucks tomorrow

and I don't know if it's worth putting it towards something more expensive or just blowing it on comic books and cigarettes

ok, I'm not planning on doing that; but I'm not going to be getting any more (relatively) large sums of money until I get off my ass and get a job

so basically my options are:

1) Save for $100-get a leather jacket that fits

the one I have now is too big, and that bothers me to no end; but to be honest it works and it's almost summer here in Arizona, so getting a new leather jacket that I'd only be able to wear for a few months more would be kinda dumb

2) Get one of them switch-blade knives I've been wanting

with my smart-ass mouth and skinny-ass body, getting a weapon is the only logical way to avoid an ass-whomping once I actually start going out in public; but to be honest I don't really need a knife, nor do I really even talk to other people, much less start fights, so this one's unlikely

3) Save for $150-Get a new guitar

I'd only be able to afford the guitar itself, no strap or case or anything, and that would take me forever; so I doubt I'll be doing this one

3.5) Save for $100-Trade in my current guitar for the last $50 and get a new guitar

I've come to hate my current guitar, and I don't know why; and this way I'd have the strap and case and stuff, but it still requires some saving, and in that case I might as well just wait until I get a job so I can have two guitars anyway

4) Get a distortion pedal or two

I could really use a distortion pedal, and this one requires no saving; but there's other equipment I need for my guitars, and since the other options are kinda "big", I figure I could wait for the equipment with them, but on this one I'm not sure

5) Get the other equipment I need for my guitar

A strap and case for my accoustou-electric bass, and a bigger strap for my guitar

honestly I'm hoping that I could combine options 4 + 5 somehow, but the best option is probably 4, and then I can slowly pick up the other equipment I need over time

why did I feel the need to type up all that boring shit?

'cause it took my mind off the other depressing shit I'm thinking about, and I needed to get it out of my system, it's been running through my head all week

hey, this is my diary, you don't like it: hit the bricks

I don't know, I'm feeling realy un-put-together

like that new Vin Diesel movie*

I'm listening to "No Cigar" by Millencolin

I've got history with this song

I used to live in Alameda, California

and I really enjoyed it there

I had friends, a band, and a girl I was in love with, seriously and deeply in love with

I used to talk about her all the time

I loved her like Puppet-666 loves her boyfriend

of course, she didn't love me back;

but that's beside the point

the point is I was happy there

but I had to move away when my dad retired from the Coast Guard

a whole life that I was starting to actually enjoy just ripped away from me

that hurt

but a few months later I had to go back to get my Driver's Liscense, because I already had the requirements done in California, but not in Arizona; in Arizona I'd have to go through all the Driver's Ed and Behind the Weel shit again

but I could go back to California, just take the Driver's Test, get my liscense, then come back and get it transferred

my dad was still living there at the time, in a temporary house provided by the Coast Guard

so I stayed with him

and I remember, I only say one of my friends once

it was a really depressing time

probably the most depressing three days(I belive it was) of my life

but my dad had his playstation there, and I rented Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 so that I'd have something to do during the day

and this song was on the soundtrack

and now whenever I hear this song, I think of that time

I think of the smell of that place,

of the look of it

of how I couldn't hang out with my friend because we didn't have a phone and I didn't know her address

how I was too timid to talk to my band-mates

the song takes me back to a dark place in my self

so of course I've downloaded it and I'm going to listen to it whenever I'm feeling down

I should just become Emo and get it over with

I don't know

Sweet Dreams

tell us where you're from,

what you want to become.

and we'll say if you're ok.

where did you go to school ?

right answer and you're cool.

yeah you're the kid the whole day.

you get a sticker in your face.

information about the case,

so you know your potential.

don't think you can extend,

don't think you can extend,

just comprehend.

but i don't wanna hear it,

no it's more than i accept.

'cause i don't care where i belong no more.

what we share or not i will ignore.

i will ignore.

we will shut you out.

we'll put you in doubt if you think that you're special.

we'll tell you who you are.

we'll tell you that you're close but no cigar.

but, i don't want wanna hear it,

no it's more than i accept.

'cause i don't care where i belong no more.

what we share or not i will ignore.

and i won't waste my time fitting in.

'cause i don't think contrast is a sin.

what they say is...

go back, where you came from.

they'll tell you that, but

i don't wanna hear.

no, i don't wanna hear.

no, i don't wanna hear it.

no, it's more than i accept.

'cause i don't care where i belong no more.

what we share or not i will ignore.

and i won't waste my time fitting in.

'cause i don't think contrast is a sin.

no it's not a sin

-No Cigar

Millencolin

*-For those of you who don't watch TV, Vin Diesel's new movie is called: "A Man Apart", get it?