"About A Girl" 2003-03-20 - 10:38 p.m.

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everywhere I turn is conflict

my stomach seems to be somehow much better since I got my colonoscopy, and I'm thinking about getting a job and just trying to live normally; but I don't know if I want to wait and see, and how long I should if I choose to do that; and then there's the whole deal of finding a job

there's a ton of things in my life that I need money for, but unfortunately I have no source of income; as per the above gripe

just when things seemed to be really perfect with Stephanie, she stops calling me and then is busy or not there or whatever when I call her

I haven't called Robyn in forever, and just when I was thinking about trying to hang out with her she gives me shit for my views on the war; calls me "uneducated" and "naive"[to be fair I'm not sure if that was directed at me or not; I'm thinking it is, and if so I'm going to have some very harsh words to reply with, but I'm going to save them until I find out]

my parents have actually been off my back for a while, and with my stomach feeling better it doesn't look like there's much for us to conflict over; but for what seems like years my relationship with my parents has just been waiting for the next problem to arise

my dad's last job didn't take enough money for taxes out of his paychecks, so now we're $2,000 in tax debt; which means money is going to be real tight for a while

my family's insurance is acting wierd for some reason; which puts my doctoral/therapist situation in question

the country is in the middle of an un-just war

and in my shallowest concern; I'm going insane trying to decide wether to play guitar or bass

I'm insanely lonely and really want a girlfriend, but I have no idea how to meet people

on the other hand Paint it Black is moving along nicely; I've come up with a general plot for the series[or at least the first story arc] and my overall drawing ability is greatly improving

my insomnia is back again, I couldn't fall asleep until about 8 AM this morning

I rented Silent Hill 2 again but this time it's become strangely hard to want to play it

my singing voice is getting better as well, and I've figured out how to sound less nasal; which makes me sound less like Maynard and more like Layne[I don't know if that's good or bad]

life just seems really messed up lately

but on the other hand my stomach seems less debilitating; which comforts me to no end, but at the same time, I don't know if this'll last or if in another week I'll be back to horrible pain and incessant diarrhea

it's all so confusing, and I'm without comfort

but since I don't like to bitch(even if I am good at it), I'm going to end this with something for Stephanie

Lilyrain, one of my favorite diaryland-ers in more than just the "yeah, I read that one" sense; posted this interesting list about "why men like women", amongst other things, and I find the very last item to really vocalize my feelings toward Stephanie; so I'm going to post it here.

"the way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound,you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart."

Sweet Dreams

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