"Institutionalized to be Normal Like You" 2003-03-07 - 1:37 a.m.

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I meant to update yesterday, but Diaryland was fucking up

I had my colonoscopy yesterday

a milestone moment in my life

too bad I slept through it

first it was: "you're going to be sedated"

then it was: "the sedative is gonna make it so you won't remember this"

which pissed me off because I wanted to know exactly what happened, I don't trust my doctor at all

then it was: "we're going to put you to sleep"

I didn't want to go to sleep, I wanted to know what happened

but they put me to sleep anyway, and everything between then and waking up at home is a blur

but according to my dad

they didn't find anything

now, the stipulations were: if they found something, then I might have a disease which might've been curable;

if they didn't find anything, it means I have IBS, which is incurable and untreatable

as I said, they didn't find anything; meaning I'm stuck like this for the rest of my life

as sucky as that sounds, I've already accepted it

I took a lot of time beforehand coming to terms with it

I'll just go on disability and try and get by the best I can

at least now it's over with, now I can get started with that process

but of course, like every-fucking-goddamn-thing in my life; my mom has to make it a huge fucking problem

she's now decided that if I just cheer up, it'll go away

that it's all in my head

and she also used that as an excuse to bring up all the old shit she hasn't bothered me with in a while

such as: "why can't you act like everyone else?" "if you would just conform people would like you more"

she actually started crying

she's making my life hell, and she cries about it

she wants me to stop seeing my therapist because she(my therapist) agrees with me

she(my mom) wants me to go see a real psychiatrist so that they can perscribe medication and I can be a happy, medicated, good boy like she always wanted

that movie "Disturbing Behavior" always kinda fucks with me, because I know that if it were real; my mom would sign me up without a second thought

she wouldn't give a fuck that my personality, my being, the very essences that are me, would be wiped away

she just wants me to fit in and be happy all the time

at first I got so pissed off that I took off

I couldn't be in the same house as her

she makes me see red

I swear, if I don't get out of here soon I may end up doing something that would land me in jail

first I went to the Foothills Mall, read some of the second book of Batman: Knightfall;

that calmed me down

then I decided to head to Wilson so I wouldn't have to go home

and I got so depressed

probably the most suicidal I've been since my actual suicide attempt

I came real close to flooring it and driving into the other lane

in fact, the only thing that stopped me one time was that there was probably nothing that would kill me, just dent up my car and slam my head against the steering weel

of course the fact that Metallica's "Fade to Black" and Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper" came on the radio didn't help one bit

I mean, how can my mom possibly be that selfish?

does she really care that little about my feelings, about my happiness?

what she's asking me is to sacrifice my happiness for hers

and I won't do that for her

not after what she does to me

and she said: "I don't like this idea", referring to the disability

I think she's gonna try her damndest to keep me off disability

I'm not looking forward to the outright wars that are gonna come of that

but I'm going on disability

unless they find a cure for IBS in the next few weeks, I'm going on disability

I can't decide between two songs that embody what I want to say; so I'll put them both

Sweet Dreams

They said you called me maybe yesterday

I don't even have the strength to pick up the phone

Wouldn't even know me since you went away

The prozac doesn't do it for me anymore

YOU OUGHT TO TAKE YOUR MEDICATION

EVERYDAY

BE A GOOD DOG, LIVE LIFE IN A WONDERFUL WAY

TELL ME WHY, YOU WANT ME TO BE BLIND

I DON'T WANNA BE NORMAL LIKE YOU

I know now, everyday

I get closer

To the place inside where I can be normal too

I heard those stupid people talk about you again

I just have to laugh to keep from hurting bad

THEIR SIMPLE MINDS JUST CANNOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND

YOU ARE NEUROTIC AND DEPRESSED

IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU ARE SAD

You walk around oblivious to everything

You wear that party dress and black mascara

Like you're queen for the day

Tell me why you want to be blind

I don't want to be normal like you

I know now, everyday

I get closer

To the place inside where I can be normal too

I will never be normal like you

You walk around oblivious to everyone

I see you walking slow and simple

Underneath the big black sun

Tell me why you want to be blind

I don't want to be normal like you

I know now, everyday

I get closer

To the place inside where I can be complacent

Yes, I get closer

To the place inside where I can be sedated

Yes, I get closer

To the place inside where I can be normal too

Where I can be normal like you

Maybe normal like you

I can be normal like you

-Normal Like You

Everclear

Sometimes I try to do things,

and it just don't turn out the way I wanted to

and I get real frustrated,

it's like, I take my time and I try real hard,

but no matter what I do and no matter what I try it never works out,

it's like I concentrate on it real hard, but it never works out,

it's like I need some time to figure these things out, but there's always someone there going:

- Hey Mike, you know, we been noticing you've been having alot of problems

lately, you know, and like maybe you should talk about it, you'd feel alot

better.

And I go:

- No, it's ok, I know have some problems, I'll figure it out myself, just

leave me alone I'll figure it out.

And they go:

- Why don't you talk about it, you'll feel alot better?

And I go:

- No, I don't want to, just leave me alone, I'll figure it out myself!

And they keep on bugging me and it builds up inside, it builds up inside...

So you're gonna be institutionalized

You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes

You won't have any say

They'll brainwash you until you see their way

I'm not crazy - institutionalized

You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized

You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution

Said it was the only solution

To give me the needed professional help

To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was sitting in my room,

and I was like, staring at the walls thinking about

everything but then again I was thinking about nothing,

and then my mom came in and I didn't notice she was there and she calls my name and I didn't hear

her and then she started screaming:

- Mike, Mike!

And I go:

- What, what's the matter?

She goes:

- What's the matter with you?

I say:

- Nothing mom.

She goes:

- Don't tell me nothing, you're on drugs!

I go:

- No mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm ok, I'm just thinking, you know, why don't

you get me a Pepsi?

She goes:

- No, you're on drugs, you're crazy, normal people won't be acting that way!

I go:

- Mom, I'm all right, I'm just thinking, you know, so why don't you, like

give me a Pepsi?

And she goes:

- No, you're crazy!

All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me,

just one Pepsi...

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves

Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves

Drug you up because they're lazy

It's too much work to help a crazy

I'm not crazy - institutionalized

You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized

You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution

Said it was the only solution

To give me the needed professional help

To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a

chair and they sat down, they go:

- Mike, we need to talk to you.

And I said:

- Okay, what's the matter?

They go:

- Well me and your mom, we been noticing lately you've been having alot of

problems, and you haven't been acting like yourself, and we're afraid that

you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid that you're gonna hurt

yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put

you somewhere where you could get the help that you need...

And I said:

- Wait, what are we talking about?! We decided?! My best interest?! How can

you know, how can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to

say? I'm crazy? When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I

went to your institutional learning facilities. So how can you say that I'm

crazy?

They say they're gonna fix my brain

Alleviate my suffering and my pain

But by the time they fix my head

Mentally I'll be dead

I'm not crazy - institutionalized

You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized

You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution

Said it was the only solution

To give me the needed professional help

To protect me from the enemy, myself

It doesn't matter I'll probably get hit by a car anyhow...

-Institutionalized

Suicidal Tendencies

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