"One more time, With Feeling" 2003-02-23 - 3:25 p.m.

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I keep thinking of the title of that White Stripes song: "I'm finding it harder to be a gentleman"

I've always tried to comfort the people around me, no matter how bad I hurt at the same time

but lately it's been coming harder and harder

I think it started with my mom last weekend

the source of almost all the problems in my life sitting there crying; and it took all my strength to tell her that 'everything would be ok'

it was so hard

and now I don't know what to say to people I do want to comfort

I try and open my mouth, or put my keys to the keyboard to leave them a note telling them 'everything will be all right'; but it just won't come

my talks may have never done anything directly before; but I like to think that somewhere, deep down, it made a little bit of progress

"the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

as one of my favorite sayings goes

and even if I wasn't doing anything huge, I like to think that I was helping my friends take those steps, even if there were nine hundred and ninety nine more to go

but I can't anymore

at least, I don't think I can

it's nothing to do with them, or their problems, or the way any of them have been treating me

[I don't mean anything by that; in fact I mean that you guys haven't been treating me bad. So don't get your panties in a bunch]

it's just...

me

I can't make the words come anymore

but here I go anyway;

one more time, with feeling:

Robyn, it doesn't matter what faults you see in yourself; and it wouldn't matter if you did something that you would consider "so terrible"; we love you anyway, because we're your friends, and that's what friends do. We accept you, faults and all, and we love you for it, the whole package. It doesn't matter to us the little things that you don't think we'd like. Of course we like them, or at least we tolerate them, because it's you. We love you Robyn. And as long as you don't mind our faults and problems, then we'll have no problem with yours. So just relax when you're with us, I don't think there is anything you could say to get us to stop liking you. We love you Robyn, just remember that.

I wish I could've left that in a note on either her diary or livejournal; but I know she'll read this, and this is the last place I have the strength to say things like that

and it's all true. I don't lie(to anyone but my parents), even if doing so would save me trouble and heart-break

I mean all of that Robyn, and I just hope that you know that we really do love you

I'll write a more selfish entry later