"post homicidal regression" 2003-02-17 - 4:07 a.m.

older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj

the anger of my last entry has faded

and I'm left with just depression

I could erase it

save myself alot of trouble and heartache

but I won't

maybe it'll get Stephanie's attention

it just hurts so bad sometimes

when I'm with Stephanie I feel such a powerful connection

it feels like I've found at least a Kindred Spirit; and at most a Soul Mate

but to her I'm just some guy who she used to hang out with but drifted apart from and doesn't really like to be around anymore; but doesn't have the heart to say so

my life sucks right now

it really does

my stomach is a constant source of pain

my doctor is apathetic

my parents...

the only source of happiness I have left is my friends

and the only two I was really close to were Robyn and Steph

I don't know why me and Robyn drifted apart

one day I was just too depressed to get online and talk about Adult Swim,

and now I'm too scared to try to start again

it would be so simple

but not to me

and Steph...

it disgusts me, sometimes, how big a part of my life she's become

especially when you consider how small a part of hers I am

over the summer she and I were together everyday

it was just a given

we didn't have to plan for it; we didn't have to say it

it was just understood; we would be together

now; I'm lucky to see her once a week

and it always seems she doesn't really want to be around me, she's just too polite to tell me to go fuck myself

as I said: my life sucks, and my only comfort is her

and she never has time for me

she'll pass this off, you know

tell me: "I'm just really busy, but you'll see that how you always see that"

tell me that I shouldn't worry and that I'm a fool for doing so

make me feel like a child

and an annoying one at that

it really hurts to get that from what was your only source of happiness

but nothing I can say has any effect

so maybe my loss of control in the last entry will do something

force some type of action out of her

good or bad

I can't take this anymore

telling me she wants to hang out with me and then not doing so

even when the opportunity presents itself, she passes it up

if she does give me a reason; it'll probably be something like: "because you do things like this"[referring to my last entry], or "because you make everything so dramatic"

I wouldn't if she would just hang out with me

even my source of happiness has turned to a source of worry now

it's no wonder why I can't sleep, I'm always depressed, and I smoke all the time

I should call Robyn tomorrow

take her out for coffee and cigarettes at that Coffee X-Change they put at the plaza near my house

maybe go to the mall, try and make some new friends

*pfft*

at best I'll leave the house

at worst I'll sit around in constant pain

if I had any balls I'd just kill myself and get it over with

too bad, really

�

�