"I'm the Man in the Box" 2003-02-05 - 6:34 p.m.

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yay, I'm getting all sorts of "don't drink" notes

I'll do what I fucking want

I'm the man in the box

living in my shit

I'm never ever well enough to leave my house

my medication doesn't work

I sit at home in constant pain,

having to take a shit all the goddamn time

and as an added bonus, now my shit doesn't go down the toilet when I flush

I can't explain it,

and it's not the toilet, I flushed some dogfood and some cereal and they went down fine, same as the paper

but the last two times I've taken a shit it hasn't gone down

first my dad, then I had to scoop it out of the damn toilet with a perforated spoon and throw it in the trash

and you want to tell me I shouldn't drink?

you're right, I should kill myself

if I was well enough to leave the house I'd be buying drugs

as it is after I finished scooping up my own goddamn crap and cleaning up the mess I made when I decided to kick over and hit everything in my kitchen at the realization I had to do this, I did a shot of Vodka

that shit tastes like pure alcohol

I could've drank the rubbing alcohol I used to sterilize the spoon and rubber gloves afterwords and gotten the same effect

but on the upside, it shook me out of my dazed, "why does God hate me?" state

then I went and smoked a cigarette on my roof

so when you're all out doing shit with your friends, not being in constant pain, and being able to just flush the toilet to dispose of your waste; don't tell me that I can't fucking try to anesthetize my problems

I've always tried to not take medication, and avoid therapy, and all sorts of things so that when I had a problem, I dealt with it

my view of drugs and alcohol has always been: "I like my mind just where it is, my life may be fucked up but it's my life; and I want to see it the way it is"

but when you're scooping your own shit out of the toilet, you tend to want to run away from it all

now I realize that you all love me, and that you're just trying to help me

and I love you too

but this... this is too much

if I can't have some kind of escape then I may be forced to kill myself

the medication doesn't work

and the specialist just wants to tell me that this is something incurable, that I'll be stuck with it forever

so by all indications, the rest of my life is going to be like this

being too sick to leave the house to do anything or see your friends

constant pain

constant need to go to the bathroom

and having to scoop it out of the toilet by hand afterwards

could you do that?

could any of you honestly say that you could live like that and not try and get away from it?

if you can than you're a much stronger person than me

I'll make a deal with you, though

the next time my shit actually goes down the toilet when I flush;

I'll go back to just putting a little bit of cheap wine into a glass of pop once a week

and I won't even do that if I'm feeling good

but until then...

shit

I appreciate your concern, but my life seriously sucks right now; and I need some escape

some opiate, as it were

and the only thing I have available to me is alcohol

from my parents' rather large stash

thanks for your concern, but I need something

and I'm sorry

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