A Stream-Of-Consciousness Epitaph

"Peace Sells" 2003-02-02 - 4:25 a.m.

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ups and downs

I'll try and alternate between shallows and serious'

pretend that made sense

go back and read the Layne Staley quote in my last entry; it's really interesting

Shallow:

I rented "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" again

only because they didn't have "The Getaway"

I'm doing considerably better than last time, and that game always reminds me why I like Metal

if you listen to the rock station long enough they play "Peace Sells" by Megadeth

and it's like: "oh yeah"

that song just does it for me, suddenly I'm putting my denim vest over my leather jacket, putting on my iron cross necklace, and turning up Motorhead to disturbing volumes on my stereo

Serious:

because I rented that, I have no money

not even enough for cigarettes

ever since my parents started making me pay for my own gas it's been eating through my money

if I'm well enough to see Stephanie tomorrow I'm gonna have to ask her for gas money; I mean, it's really kicking my ass

and all this really means is I have to get a job

but A)it's bloody hard to find a job

and B)I've been sick for one whole week now

I mean, I've only gone out to go to the DMV; to go to my therapist; and to pickup my medicine

OK, I went to Blockbuster twice and the mall once

but together they accumulate to probably two hours of being out of the house

and two hours(not counting shit I needed to do) out of a whole damn week; 168 hours, by the way; is pretty slim

Shallow:

as I turned off Vice City I caught David Bowie performing on a Saturday Night Live rerun

he and his band were all goth looking and playing some fast song about monsters(I think it might be called either "scary monsters" or "running scared")

it kicked ass

It will not surprise me at all when I die and go to the afterlife, only to find out that God is David Bowie

and if God were some burning bush, or elderly version of Jesus, or even Lemmy; I would probably say: "hey God, what's up" or some equally jaded "how cool am I acting cool to God?" greeting

but if it were David Bowie, I would bow down a la Wayne and Garth and start screaming "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!"

Serious:

this talk of a job has me worried

the possibility keeps looming that whatever I have; it may be with me for life

and if I can't hold down a job with it(which I'm seriously doubting), then I'm gonna have to go on disability

which means I'm gonna have to live with either my family or my friends for the rest of my life; because I doubt disability is enough to own a home with

and it's absolutely devistating to think that

to think that I may not be able to do anything

ever

I won't be able to be in a band

I won't be able to wrestle

the only thing I would be able to do is draw comics

and I'm really struggling in that area recently

and one of my life goals is to get married and start a family; and how the fuck am I supposed to do that if I can't get out of the house to meet women?

I mean, shit

all my doctor wants to do is pass this off as something that I'll have for the rest of my life and has no working treatment for

and meanwhile I'm sitting at home 24/7 wishing I were dead

shit

just when I thought: "OK, I can manage to get out to the mall and such most of the time; I can probably manage a job"; I get sick for a whole goddamn week

this is not fair

Shallow:

I really want to see that movie "Old School" with Will Ferrel and those other guys

simply because it has the best scene in movie history

the one they show at the end of the commercials with Will Ferrel and that guy from American Pie

guy from American Pie(looking all red-neckish): "that's the most powerful tranq rifle on the market"

*pfft* (Will Ferrel shoots himself in the neck with it)

gfap: YES!!

(best response ever)

Will Ferrel(with super deep voice): "ha ha, you're crazy, man"

oh Christ, it's the funniest three seconds ever

Serious:

on the upside of things, my parents are also complaining of being sick lately

although they're not as bad as me, they do have similar symptoms

and that's good because A)the bastards deserve it for the shit they're giving me about this

and B)this means it may not be a disease, it may be something from our house or our water or something like that that if we just find and eliminate would cure us

and right now, a cure(or even working treatment) is the most wonderful thing in the world to me

my life would be super-peachy if I could get something that would make me better

by now a cure sounds so good that it's to the point of 'hard to believe it exists it would be so good'

I mean, the thought almost brings me to tears

not having to deal with this anymore

just being able to live

I realize there's far worse diseases out there

there's much worse things I could have

Muscular Distrophy

AIDS

Leprosy

to name a few

but there's something I think about when I think of races:

"who has it worse, the guy who comes in last; or the guy who comes in second?"

the guy who comes in last comes in last, but that's all there is to it

the guy who comes in second almost won, but he's still just as big of a loser as the guy who came in last. He's still a loser, but he was almost there; he was close enough to taste it, he almost had it; and he's going to spend the rest of his life(depending on how important the race was) beating himself up for not doing whatever it was the winner did better than him

the people with Muscular Distrophy, AIDS, and Leprosy are all disabled and in horrible pain; but they have people working on cures for what they have. They're diseased, and that's all there is to it.

But me; I'm disabled(in my own way), and in rather bad pain; but I'm almost normal. I'm this close to being normal. I can taste it. But I'm not. There's about five guys in a lab on the low-rent discrict of town working on a cure for what I've got. The majority of people who have this are able to function with the medication; it's not a priority to get a cure out there. But there are extreme cases(like myself) who can't function with this, the medication only works 50% of the time. And I'm so close to normal that most people don't even realize I'm diseased, in fact they just give me a hard time about why I'm not normal instead of giving me support. And I don't just mean my parents.

and the real kicker is they don't even know what I have

my doctor doesn't give a shit about me

but whatever I have fits into this category of simliar disease that have similar enough statistics for me to generalize about it

Shit

I've been over this and over this

and it still sucks

maybe I'll get lucky(*pfft*, right)

maybe it'll just be that the dishwasher isn't getting the plates and silverware clean enough

maybe the colonoscopy will find something treatable

yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese Jet Pilot

Sweet Dreams

Only Sissies Cry; Real Men Stand in the Rain and Listen to This:

What do you mean, 'I don't believe in God'?

I talk to him every day.

What do you mean, 'I don't support your system'?

I go to court when I have to.

What do you mean, 'I can't get to work on time'?

I got nothing better to do

And, what do you mean, 'I don't pay my bills'?

Why do you think I'm broke? Huh?

Chorus:

If there's a new way,

I'll be the first in line.

But, it better work this time.

What do you mean, 'I hurt your feelings'?

I didn't know you had any feelings.

What do you mean, 'I ain't kind'?

I'm just not your kind.

What do you mean, 'I couldn't be president, of the United States of America'?

Tell me something, it's still 'We the people', right?

Chorus: (repeat)

If there's a new way

I'll be the first in line,

But, it better work this time.

Can you put a price on peace?

Peace,

Peace sells...,

Peace,

Peace sells...,

Peace sells...,but who's buying?

[Peace sells...,but who's buying? n+1 times more]

No, peace sells...

-Peace Sells

Megadeth

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